We Will Be Ready

Advent 1995
Des Moines, Iowa

"Advent is upon us. I think it is my favorite season. It corresponds best to my spiritual life which is one of longing for God's coming.

Advent is filled with hope! The Latin, advenit, means 'He is coming' or 'He is on the way toward us.'  God's coming is nothing we can produce or even hasten. But it is something we can prepare for so that we might welcome Him well!

"The Church's Liturgy recommends to our contemplation three great figures who prepared the way of the Lord. Isaiah, who said that 'a virgin shall conceive and bear a son' and that this Messiah would heal every human ill on His holy mountain when He rescues us from our exile and slavery in sin. John the Baptizer, who said that we must have a complete conversion of heart and demonstrate it in just deeds in order to prepare for the One who 'will baptize with fire and the Holy Spirit.'  And Mary, the door through whose trusting faith, humble hope and burning love our God is enabled to approach us.

"The Preface for the First Sunday in Advent says: 'When He (the Lord Jesus) comes may He find us watching in prayer, our hearts filled with wonder and praise.' There are two ways to live Advent. Either distracted by our commercialized society with preparations and premature parties or attracted by the Coming One to silent waiting, ardent longing and generous giving. The bustling inn in Bethlehem which had no room for Jesus typifies the first way. The wise men following the Star and the poor shepherds listening to the angels exemplify the second way.

"It is commonplace that many people sink into depression around this time of year. Why? Perhaps it is because they're concentrating on what they are giving and doing instead of what God is giving and doing. Perhaps they are trying to retrieve the magic of childhood Christmases, characterized by receiving and carefreeness, rather than looking forward to what they can do and give to others in imitation of God's self-giving. Perhaps the malls have become their temples, the office parties their search for holiday cheer, seeking happiness rather than giving it, their goal.

"Let's give some thought to how each of us and each of our families can better observe this Advent season in preparation for Christmas. First, let's put off Christmas until Christmas and use the traditional Advent wreath on the table as a focus for family prayer and conversation. Second, add a practice such as more frequent Mass attendance, some fasting, confession or remembering the poor in concrete ways. Let's focus on seeing our guests, family members and co-workers, especially those with whom we disagree, as the Holy Family in search of room in our hearts. Finally, let us accept the empty spaces in our own hearts instead of feeling sorry for ourselves. If we were completely self-satisfied, there would be no room  for our Savior to come and stay with us! Then, when Christmas comes, we will be ready."

On Watching My Dad Die

July 12, 1977
Iowa

"I'm sitting next to dad's hospital bed. Shortly after waking up from a fitful sleep and after unsuccessful attempts to move his legs himself, he turned over on his side and looked past me out the window  that framed a beautiful blue summer sky and rolling farmland. He said, 'It's a great world if you don't stiffen up'. He said that with a mixture of whimsy and joy...

"It seems dad is dealing with the immanence of his death. He occasionally comes out of the blue with some philosophical musings, so unexpected from such a laconic man. Unfortunately his mind is becoming confused and sustaining dialogue has always worn him out. He said earlier, 'It's so odd how things change so quickly.' This is probably the tip of the iceberg of his private preoccupations as he looks back over his 63 years...Then he said, 'All the things are coming together.'  When I asked for clarification, he paused and searched for words. 'I guess I mean like all the souvenirs from my life are starting to look more like one whole piece to me.'

It's difficult---even heart-rending if weren't such a laconic farm boy myself, I could better articulate my feelings---to watch my dad die and experience physical pain, weakness, frustration, emotional rollercoaster and who knows what else. I feel helpless because I am helpless. Dying is so slow. I wonder what my dying will be like. He (and I) must do it all alone.

"There's a parallel here between this experience and my time in Guatemala earlier this summer. The slowness, the dying, the loss, the helplessness before it all, the poor of Yahweh---Dad is like the people of Guatemala. I refocus and reshuffle the meanings of my life in the face of it all, particularly the naively optimistic varieties of progressivism, of evolutionary perfectability, the quick and efficient syndrome of American know how and technological culture which would deny slowness, helplessness and pain. This denial closes the doorway to the more ancient values of wisdom, goodness and unity which only the Cross can bring. By fostering the belief that we can somehow beat the 'daily deaths' that St. Paul speaks of, we never learn how to live in preparation for the day of our physical death. God help us!"

How To Live This Love?

July 8, 1978
India

"While reading John 17 today, I was overcome with a deeper awareness of my share in the life and love of the Trinity. Even though I was tired, I sensed the unplummable depth and mystery of God's inner life. Even more amazingly, I sensed that life in God's Family is being offered to me now. I don't have to wait until I die to share more deeply in it; God gives me the option to live my life in the love of the Trinity while I live on this earth!

"...But how to live in this love more deeply? My ideals soar so high and my actions look to me like wilted weeds lying in the dirt. I find the discrepancy humiliating, discouraging and confusing but I know this is only a reflection of my pride. I need to walk more consciously in the Little Way. Not only aware of my inabilities but rejoicing in them, like Therese says little children do because they know that will get them the attention and help they need from their parents.

"How long, Lord? How much? When? Now? You alone can teach me and lead me. I make you an offering of my grown-up pride. Take it and view it as the 'widow's mite.' It's all I have to give you!
Yesterday at the Carmelite convent, I prayed before the statue of St Therese, asking for her intercession and more insight into putting the Little Way into practice in my life. It seems like the grace of this meditation on John 17 is answer to her intercession...Thank you, dear Lord, for the consolation of your presence, of making me a member of your family, for the intercession of those who love me, even those who have preceded me into heaven. Let me never take the wonderful family I belong to for granted!"

Trust, Wait and Cooperate

Feast of  St. John Lateran
November 9, 1992
Rome, Italy

"While jogging in the Circus Maximus this morning, I felt God the Father addressing my heart in a forceful way regarding my disappointment because my prayer lately has been so 'dry'.  He seemed to say to me:

   'I am God and Lord. I am not something that you can control. You devalue yourself when you begin thinking, even unwittingly, 'show us a sign and we will believe'. On the contrary, you must learn that you are part of my system, my Divine Will. So I will come to you when and how I choose and seem to withdraw from you when it is best for you...You are my creature, my creation, my son. So this is why I say to you that you must learn now that I will do always what is best for you and you must do always what is appropriate for my creatures. That is Trust, Wait and Cooperate....Never doubt that I have your best interests and the best interests of the Church at heart. All that I do and allow as well as every person and every circumstance ultimately serves my purpose. Even now, my Church, the Body of my Son, is being lacerated and torn in two even as it being healed and Resurrected. You would do best to remember that it is not possible for you to see the whole picture and so you need to have no confidence in your own abilities and complete confidence in Me.  An even subtle belief in your own ideas, comforts or endeavors will eventually lead to idolatry. This is the danger of fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil that Adam grasped. I don't want you to make the same mistake. My Son did not grasp at his equality with Me but emptied himself and so, how much more, must you...This is the lesson my Son strove so often to teach his followers, such as when Peter sank on the lake: Trust Me....So, my dear son, remember just as Jesus appeared to the disciples after the Resurrection according to our schedule and expectations, not theirs, expect the unexpected! Since We are with you all days, only trust as happy children awaiting your homecoming!'"

Soon You Will See Me and We Will Rejoice

May 1989

The dear Lord seems to be saying to me,
"Don't be disturbed by the trouble that you have focusing in prayer after all these years. Isn't I who brings a harvest even in the years of drought? Isn't it I who give you words for your sermons, love for those who come to you, songs when you have no preparation? You're distress at what seems like the dryness of your prayer is unwarranted because of who I Am.

"Don't be afraid. I am with you in faith. Trust Me, even now; even though it seems to you that you can't manage or direct or control My ways. Just be with My ways. Make the best you can of each limited or difficult situation and it will be given to you ("dabitur") as each situation arises.

"I am light; I am clarity; I am mercy.
You are sinful, halting and doubting.
Your righteousness is always my gift to you. Do not be cast down by your faults, sins and weaknesses. Keep referring all to Me who loves to be Mercy to you!
I make up all that is lacking in you. You resolve to do your best to focus on making up what is 'lacking in my sufferings for My Body, the Church.'

"Again I say: Be strong and confident. Nothing will overwhelm you.
I am healing you but, if I leave some weakness, know that it is to ensure that you keep finding your true strength in Me, as did Paul and all of my servants since the beginning.

"And, finally, thank you for your love and yearning for healing for My Church and the Society. I am carrying it forward. Continue in love, fidelity, charity and gentleness for those who 'don't know what they are doing.'...But with humility, confidence and courage press on in season and out of season. Remember, always remember, I am always with you and soon you will see Me and we will rejoice."

So You're Wondering What To Confess

March 8, 1992
Rome, Italy

From a letter of spiritual direction:
"So you're wondering 'what to confess'...I know the problem. Sometimes our 'little sins' or faults seem inconsequential when compared to what others are doing. Since our standard of what is objectively right or wrong, serious or non-serious, is much affected by the scale of values we see around us, we don't find much objectively to accuse ourselves of.

"But, as Christians, our scale or criterion of good or righteous is always God's way of acting. Thus Jesus tells us to 'Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.' Or, to put it another way, we can say that Jesus himself is our criterion--His agape, his self-investing, his self-sacrificing love--as described by Paul in 1 Cor 13. For example, we can say, 'Jesus is kind, Jesus is patient, Jesus doesn't count up wrongs'  etc. Some have suggested using that chapter in Corinthians as an examination of conscience. So you can substitute your name instead of 'Love' or 'Jesus' to get an idea of what needs confessing...

"Those particular failures to act like Jesus are like symptoms of a heart that still reserves some dominion to itself. That part of us that is still not child-like, still not a servant, still not a sister, mother or friend of others, especially those we dislike or who dislike us.

"In John's first epistle, he says that we are 'killers' if we do not love. That sounds dramatic until we realize that one either gives life or destroys it in each and every decision in relation to God, self and others. Only the enlightened heart can see this. The saints, as you know, were the most painfully and crushingly aware of their sins. It is true that what would be a massive failure for them would hardly register on our fault-scale, much less our sin-scale!

"For instance, I was reading St. Ignatius' Spiritual Diary a couple of days ago where he did penance for a week for too abruptly and irreverently leaving the Trinity in prayer to investigate the source of some bothersome noise in his house. He actually did penance and begged the Father to restore him to good graces...Now one can say that objectively what Ignatius did in irreverently dealing with God was wrong because no human being should be irreverent and insensitive to God, our Creator. But, on the subjective level, God wouldn't expect such perfection yet of a person who doesn't know him as well as Ignatius did.

"So, in answer to your question, look closely at Jesus as your yardstick of virtue and not this crazy culture...Ask the Holy Spirit incessantly to give you light to confess now what needs to be rectified in your life. Not simply because all we do will someday be exposed to the Light but because the grace of the sacrament of Confession helps us to stop sinning, as you know. Realize that, while objective good and evil do not change, our culpability does. Another example: I am much more culpable for telling a lie than one of my high school students because of all the graces I've been given etc.
I hope this helps and not just obfuscates the issue for you!"

God of Surprises

June 12, 1990
Prague, Czechoslovakia

"For lunch today I sat across from Fr. Michalek who was prevented for 30 years from exercising his priesthood, including 9 years in prison followed by 5 years in a labor camp rock quarry. Next to him sat Father Provincial of the Czeck Province who has been in office since 1971 and worked for 25 years as an auto mechanic while traveling on weekends to care for his scattered Jesuits...

"My thoughts, then, revolved around my need to remain in a reflective and evaluative stance toward our dear Society and its work in the USA and at Prep. It's easy to get into a rut of tasks and daily pressures; to fall into the dichotomies of the US which tends to divide the world into liberal and conservative camps. It's so easy to simply identify another believer as a 'pietistic charismatic' or a 'pragmatic activist' or whatever. My tendency is to fall into these ruts if I'm not vigilant and lose the big picture.

"The Body of Christ has many members and charisms which are meant to complement and stretch each other in the grand work of serving God and building His Kingdom. We must avoid biased or fearful thought patterns which tend toward the orientation of everyone must see and do things like I do, or 'they' are dangerous because they are different. We serve a God who loves to surprise us, maybe like any good dad likes to surprise his children.

"Reflection, discernment and praxis are a constant necessity. Even our retreats and CLCs and classes must constantly try to challenge our students to see reality and try to improve it from an intelligent Christian perspective. For example, the last day of the Encounter needs to be a clearer invitation to praxis: Love in Action!

"As F.J. Sheed says, 'It is not a case of seeing the same universe as everyone else sees and then seeing God over and above it. For God is the Center of being and of everything whatsoever. If we would see the universe aright, we must see it as God-bathed.'

"The secularized mind of ourselves, our students, our people wants to just add God as one more option among many, instead of re-evaluating everything in terms of His reality and our Christian vocation or call. That is a form of idolatry."