Soon You Will See Me and We Will Rejoice

May 1989

The dear Lord seems to be saying to me,
"Don't be disturbed by the trouble that you have focusing in prayer after all these years. Isn't I who brings a harvest even in the years of drought? Isn't it I who give you words for your sermons, love for those who come to you, songs when you have no preparation? You're distress at what seems like the dryness of your prayer is unwarranted because of who I Am.

"Don't be afraid. I am with you in faith. Trust Me, even now; even though it seems to you that you can't manage or direct or control My ways. Just be with My ways. Make the best you can of each limited or difficult situation and it will be given to you ("dabitur") as each situation arises.

"I am light; I am clarity; I am mercy.
You are sinful, halting and doubting.
Your righteousness is always my gift to you. Do not be cast down by your faults, sins and weaknesses. Keep referring all to Me who loves to be Mercy to you!
I make up all that is lacking in you. You resolve to do your best to focus on making up what is 'lacking in my sufferings for My Body, the Church.'

"Again I say: Be strong and confident. Nothing will overwhelm you.
I am healing you but, if I leave some weakness, know that it is to ensure that you keep finding your true strength in Me, as did Paul and all of my servants since the beginning.

"And, finally, thank you for your love and yearning for healing for My Church and the Society. I am carrying it forward. Continue in love, fidelity, charity and gentleness for those who 'don't know what they are doing.'...But with humility, confidence and courage press on in season and out of season. Remember, always remember, I am always with you and soon you will see Me and we will rejoice."

So You're Wondering What To Confess

March 8, 1992
Rome, Italy

From a letter of spiritual direction:
"So you're wondering 'what to confess'...I know the problem. Sometimes our 'little sins' or faults seem inconsequential when compared to what others are doing. Since our standard of what is objectively right or wrong, serious or non-serious, is much affected by the scale of values we see around us, we don't find much objectively to accuse ourselves of.

"But, as Christians, our scale or criterion of good or righteous is always God's way of acting. Thus Jesus tells us to 'Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.' Or, to put it another way, we can say that Jesus himself is our criterion--His agape, his self-investing, his self-sacrificing love--as described by Paul in 1 Cor 13. For example, we can say, 'Jesus is kind, Jesus is patient, Jesus doesn't count up wrongs'  etc. Some have suggested using that chapter in Corinthians as an examination of conscience. So you can substitute your name instead of 'Love' or 'Jesus' to get an idea of what needs confessing...

"Those particular failures to act like Jesus are like symptoms of a heart that still reserves some dominion to itself. That part of us that is still not child-like, still not a servant, still not a sister, mother or friend of others, especially those we dislike or who dislike us.

"In John's first epistle, he says that we are 'killers' if we do not love. That sounds dramatic until we realize that one either gives life or destroys it in each and every decision in relation to God, self and others. Only the enlightened heart can see this. The saints, as you know, were the most painfully and crushingly aware of their sins. It is true that what would be a massive failure for them would hardly register on our fault-scale, much less our sin-scale!

"For instance, I was reading St. Ignatius' Spiritual Diary a couple of days ago where he did penance for a week for too abruptly and irreverently leaving the Trinity in prayer to investigate the source of some bothersome noise in his house. He actually did penance and begged the Father to restore him to good graces...Now one can say that objectively what Ignatius did in irreverently dealing with God was wrong because no human being should be irreverent and insensitive to God, our Creator. But, on the subjective level, God wouldn't expect such perfection yet of a person who doesn't know him as well as Ignatius did.

"So, in answer to your question, look closely at Jesus as your yardstick of virtue and not this crazy culture...Ask the Holy Spirit incessantly to give you light to confess now what needs to be rectified in your life. Not simply because all we do will someday be exposed to the Light but because the grace of the sacrament of Confession helps us to stop sinning, as you know. Realize that, while objective good and evil do not change, our culpability does. Another example: I am much more culpable for telling a lie than one of my high school students because of all the graces I've been given etc.
I hope this helps and not just obfuscates the issue for you!"

God of Surprises

June 12, 1990
Prague, Czechoslovakia

"For lunch today I sat across from Fr. Michalek who was prevented for 30 years from exercising his priesthood, including 9 years in prison followed by 5 years in a labor camp rock quarry. Next to him sat Father Provincial of the Czeck Province who has been in office since 1971 and worked for 25 years as an auto mechanic while traveling on weekends to care for his scattered Jesuits...

"My thoughts, then, revolved around my need to remain in a reflective and evaluative stance toward our dear Society and its work in the USA and at Prep. It's easy to get into a rut of tasks and daily pressures; to fall into the dichotomies of the US which tends to divide the world into liberal and conservative camps. It's so easy to simply identify another believer as a 'pietistic charismatic' or a 'pragmatic activist' or whatever. My tendency is to fall into these ruts if I'm not vigilant and lose the big picture.

"The Body of Christ has many members and charisms which are meant to complement and stretch each other in the grand work of serving God and building His Kingdom. We must avoid biased or fearful thought patterns which tend toward the orientation of everyone must see and do things like I do, or 'they' are dangerous because they are different. We serve a God who loves to surprise us, maybe like any good dad likes to surprise his children.

"Reflection, discernment and praxis are a constant necessity. Even our retreats and CLCs and classes must constantly try to challenge our students to see reality and try to improve it from an intelligent Christian perspective. For example, the last day of the Encounter needs to be a clearer invitation to praxis: Love in Action!

"As F.J. Sheed says, 'It is not a case of seeing the same universe as everyone else sees and then seeing God over and above it. For God is the Center of being and of everything whatsoever. If we would see the universe aright, we must see it as God-bathed.'

"The secularized mind of ourselves, our students, our people wants to just add God as one more option among many, instead of re-evaluating everything in terms of His reality and our Christian vocation or call. That is a form of idolatry."

The Painful Truth

Spring 1979,India

"The readings in the Breviary for today speak so clearly to me and to my gathering to myself what belongs to God! 1Cor. 4:1-16 says, 'Name something that you have that you have not received?'   I have no answer for that. God let me see some of the virulence of my sin, its general buildup over the years until, starting in Theology, it swelled to pride and vanity of great proportions. In embarrassment and sadness, I understood that every ability I have is freely given to me but I've siphoned off much profit to myself over the years....I had to admit to making some people around me feel demeaned and inferior (from my family to my fellow Jesuits to the people God has sent me to 'serve') and the smiling way I manipulated their praise as I lapped it up....

"For the first time I realized how it may be dangerous for my soul to get a PhD if it encourages more of this false pride. I can easily see how, after sharing in the intimacy and thrill of helping God create the Universe, some angels around Lucifer began to balk as God created man and took such delight in him. They were envious just as the Elder Brother in the Prodigal Son Parable was envious...The rebels recoiled at serving these puny creatures because they'd come to believe that the power they had came from themselves and their own worthiness and abilities...They became attached to their Separateness from God and from His creation and they like the taste of it. The result was 'Non serviam!'

"Through the grace of this moment, I'm able to see in myself this well-hidden desire for 'separateness' from who God created me to be and from who God created me to serve. The painful truth is that I like to be a bit above the others. I like to secretly preen and set myself apart, to be seen with the well-off, the well-thought of, as opposed to the poor and needy....Yet during my prayer I marveled at how God kept accepting me and working with me as though nothing were wrong. And I wondered how much has my perseverance and effectiveness in ministry been dependent on the hidden prayers of the hidden pray-ers in my life who never receive so much as a thank you from me...I fasted from breakfast yesterday until breakfast today. What have I done, dear Lord, what have I done?"

My Spiritual Mother

Easter 1992
Avila, Spain

"Throughout this trip, the Lord has been repeating to me that I and the Society and the Church are one just as He and the Father are one. Whatever I do for one, I do for the other. The head must be united to the entire body. I remember Ignatius' dictum that our vocation is a single one: It is by the same grace that I seek God's greater glory, seek the salvation and perfection of my neighbor and save my own soul.

"When I see all these monuments to holy people, I hear in my heart, 'Be holy as they were holy...Time is short, don't fail to redeem it and so use every moment. If you can't minister to others directly, minister to them indirectly by living each moment and fulfilling each responsibility with Christ-like virtue.'

"After lunch today, I had a chance to pray alone in the Convent of St. Joseph, which was Teresa of Avila's first foundation of the Reformed Carmelites. I loved the poverty of the place and her devotion to the Sacred Heart long before it became popularized. Her devotion confirms the desire Jesus has to be Guest in my heart, the Light who waits and watches, the Love who knows no limits...
All the details of her life from the opulence she left at Incarnation Convent to the take up the wooden pillow that she used at St. Joseph Convent, spoke to me. Later on this evening, I told the Jesuit Community that Ignatius is my spiritual father and Teresa is my spiritual mother!"

Give Us Fire

April 15, 1992
Javier, Spain

"Well, my brother Francis Xavier has taken my breath away again. The Castle where Francis grew up, the rolling valley and mountains are too picturesque to describe. The Castle is just as I imagined a castle would be when I was a boy; just the place I wanted to live. The tower is from the 10th century, the rest all there for Xavier's 19 years. I feel so much closer to him and to Ignatius now that I've troubled myself to see their homes, the hills they looked at and climbed and dreamed upon!

"And all day I am filled with zeal to call young men to this campaign for and with Christ. This life and death campaign for souls, for the Father's Kingdom. Jesus longs to celebrate the Paschal Feast in me, in each of us. The plaque on the wall of the cloistered Sisters here says, 'I will sanctify myself for their sakes.'  This is a confirmation of the grace I received yesterday of believing that, as I battle the temptations of the noonday devil and tend with all my might to holiness, the same will happen to the Society of Jesus and to the Church. That's because we are one body. We will all grow young again with the youth of Jesus who renewed His Body through Xavier and Ignatius and now through us.

"A rainbow came out over the Castle as Brother Fantasma S.J. was showing me through. A sign to me that you, Lord, will fulfill my dreams of your glory revealed in a new renaissance for us, your Church Militant. Thank you, dear Father, for this day...for the witness of Jesus, Francis, Ignatius...for my life, their unworthy brother and your unworthy son. Work new wonders, Lord Jesus. Give glory to your name in this dark time. All the Jesuits in Spain are old; they mourn the loss of faith in the young; they look in vain for successors to their work. Hear their cries and tears, dear God. I fear we may all have participated in this slow death and die peacefully--as though we are not Sons of the Resurrection--having nice meals, watching television and entertaining ourselves to death. God forbid it! Give us fire!"

Our Already Is Greater Than Our Not Yet

May 2011

Wauwatosa, WI

"One of today's readings reminds of the fact of how much Christ 'emptied' Himself to become one of us (Phil. 2). One way that Jesus chose to explain this fact of life to us is through the image of the Good Shepherd.  A good shepherd knows and loves his sheep individually and they know him and follow his voice.  He protects his sheep from wolves and from thieves, guides them through dangerous places, and leads them to restful waters and verdant pastures.  He lives and sleeps and eats with them, and even lays down his life for them.

"Is our life as Catholics meant to be a burden or a blessing?  Do we live a happy life assured of God’s love and grace, or do we live an anxious life trying (in vain?) to earn His love and His grace?  Jesus says that He has come that we might have a share in His Divine Life even now, and that we might have it abundantly (Jo 10:10).  Yes, even now we can relax in the security of our salvation.  For, as today’s second reading tells us, “He himself bore our sins in his body upon the cross, so that, free from sin, we might live for righteousness” (I Pet 2:24).  To “live for righteousness” means to live a Spirit-filled life of holiness as Jesus did.  We have died with Christ and we have risen with Him (cf. Rom 6:5-11), so that now “Christ lives in me” (Gal 2:20).  We can no longer boast in our own moral achievements for God has made Christ our wisdom, our righteousness, our sanctification and our redemption (cf. I Cor 1:29-31).

"We can see our salvation and holiness in Christ in two ways:  as already fully ours, and as not yet fully ours. I daresay that most Catholics see their union with God and their salvation as “not yet”, as something they strive for and hope for but which they will not realize or receive for sure until after they die and go to God.  There is of course some truth to that. But we Catholics need to strengthen our grasp on the “already” of our life in God.  If, for instance, an evangelical Christian asks us “Have you been saved?”, our immediate response should be “Yes! Thanks be to God!.”  Jesus has saved me and my “life is hidden with Christ in God” (Col 3:3).  I have an “inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for me” (I Pet 1:4)!  But many Catholics will not be that spiritually bold and confident.  It’s true that we can only hope for eternal salvation and that none of us know for sure if we will go to heaven rather than to hell.  But any doubt about my final destiny has to do with the possibility that I may still turn my back on God and His will.  It has nothing to do with God’s gift of Himself in Christ which is always offered to me if only I will receive it.  

"Our assignment as Catholics is to carefully read and ponder each of the bible readings cited above and to thank God that these are gifts are already mine, not just promised.  The Good Shepherd takes every care of his sheep whom He knows by name, just as a father or mother dedicates all their love and effort to caring for their child.  The loved child is carefree and happy because he or she knows he is loved, protected, delighted in, provided for, guided and accompanied, and that “only goodness and kindness follow me all the days of my life” (Ps 23:6).  Our loving God wants each of us to live without doubts and anxieties about His love or about the “dark valleys” and trials of life.  “In all these things we conquer overwhelmingly” (Rom 8:37) because our Father “makes all things work together unto good” (Rom 8:37) for us who trust His shepherding. The truth is that, as we draw closer to God, our 'already' is greater than our 'not yet.'"