So You're Wondering What To Confess

March 8, 1992
Rome, Italy

From a letter of spiritual direction:
"So you're wondering 'what to confess'...I know the problem. Sometimes our 'little sins' or faults seem inconsequential when compared to what others are doing. Since our standard of what is objectively right or wrong, serious or non-serious, is much affected by the scale of values we see around us, we don't find much objectively to accuse ourselves of.

"But, as Christians, our scale or criterion of good or righteous is always God's way of acting. Thus Jesus tells us to 'Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.' Or, to put it another way, we can say that Jesus himself is our criterion--His agape, his self-investing, his self-sacrificing love--as described by Paul in 1 Cor 13. For example, we can say, 'Jesus is kind, Jesus is patient, Jesus doesn't count up wrongs'  etc. Some have suggested using that chapter in Corinthians as an examination of conscience. So you can substitute your name instead of 'Love' or 'Jesus' to get an idea of what needs confessing...

"Those particular failures to act like Jesus are like symptoms of a heart that still reserves some dominion to itself. That part of us that is still not child-like, still not a servant, still not a sister, mother or friend of others, especially those we dislike or who dislike us.

"In John's first epistle, he says that we are 'killers' if we do not love. That sounds dramatic until we realize that one either gives life or destroys it in each and every decision in relation to God, self and others. Only the enlightened heart can see this. The saints, as you know, were the most painfully and crushingly aware of their sins. It is true that what would be a massive failure for them would hardly register on our fault-scale, much less our sin-scale!

"For instance, I was reading St. Ignatius' Spiritual Diary a couple of days ago where he did penance for a week for too abruptly and irreverently leaving the Trinity in prayer to investigate the source of some bothersome noise in his house. He actually did penance and begged the Father to restore him to good graces...Now one can say that objectively what Ignatius did in irreverently dealing with God was wrong because no human being should be irreverent and insensitive to God, our Creator. But, on the subjective level, God wouldn't expect such perfection yet of a person who doesn't know him as well as Ignatius did.

"So, in answer to your question, look closely at Jesus as your yardstick of virtue and not this crazy culture...Ask the Holy Spirit incessantly to give you light to confess now what needs to be rectified in your life. Not simply because all we do will someday be exposed to the Light but because the grace of the sacrament of Confession helps us to stop sinning, as you know. Realize that, while objective good and evil do not change, our culpability does. Another example: I am much more culpable for telling a lie than one of my high school students because of all the graces I've been given etc.
I hope this helps and not just obfuscates the issue for you!"

God of Surprises

June 12, 1990
Prague, Czechoslovakia

"For lunch today I sat across from Fr. Michalek who was prevented for 30 years from exercising his priesthood, including 9 years in prison followed by 5 years in a labor camp rock quarry. Next to him sat Father Provincial of the Czeck Province who has been in office since 1971 and worked for 25 years as an auto mechanic while traveling on weekends to care for his scattered Jesuits...

"My thoughts, then, revolved around my need to remain in a reflective and evaluative stance toward our dear Society and its work in the USA and at Prep. It's easy to get into a rut of tasks and daily pressures; to fall into the dichotomies of the US which tends to divide the world into liberal and conservative camps. It's so easy to simply identify another believer as a 'pietistic charismatic' or a 'pragmatic activist' or whatever. My tendency is to fall into these ruts if I'm not vigilant and lose the big picture.

"The Body of Christ has many members and charisms which are meant to complement and stretch each other in the grand work of serving God and building His Kingdom. We must avoid biased or fearful thought patterns which tend toward the orientation of everyone must see and do things like I do, or 'they' are dangerous because they are different. We serve a God who loves to surprise us, maybe like any good dad likes to surprise his children.

"Reflection, discernment and praxis are a constant necessity. Even our retreats and CLCs and classes must constantly try to challenge our students to see reality and try to improve it from an intelligent Christian perspective. For example, the last day of the Encounter needs to be a clearer invitation to praxis: Love in Action!

"As F.J. Sheed says, 'It is not a case of seeing the same universe as everyone else sees and then seeing God over and above it. For God is the Center of being and of everything whatsoever. If we would see the universe aright, we must see it as God-bathed.'

"The secularized mind of ourselves, our students, our people wants to just add God as one more option among many, instead of re-evaluating everything in terms of His reality and our Christian vocation or call. That is a form of idolatry."

The Painful Truth

Spring 1979,India

"The readings in the Breviary for today speak so clearly to me and to my gathering to myself what belongs to God! 1Cor. 4:1-16 says, 'Name something that you have that you have not received?'   I have no answer for that. God let me see some of the virulence of my sin, its general buildup over the years until, starting in Theology, it swelled to pride and vanity of great proportions. In embarrassment and sadness, I understood that every ability I have is freely given to me but I've siphoned off much profit to myself over the years....I had to admit to making some people around me feel demeaned and inferior (from my family to my fellow Jesuits to the people God has sent me to 'serve') and the smiling way I manipulated their praise as I lapped it up....

"For the first time I realized how it may be dangerous for my soul to get a PhD if it encourages more of this false pride. I can easily see how, after sharing in the intimacy and thrill of helping God create the Universe, some angels around Lucifer began to balk as God created man and took such delight in him. They were envious just as the Elder Brother in the Prodigal Son Parable was envious...The rebels recoiled at serving these puny creatures because they'd come to believe that the power they had came from themselves and their own worthiness and abilities...They became attached to their Separateness from God and from His creation and they like the taste of it. The result was 'Non serviam!'

"Through the grace of this moment, I'm able to see in myself this well-hidden desire for 'separateness' from who God created me to be and from who God created me to serve. The painful truth is that I like to be a bit above the others. I like to secretly preen and set myself apart, to be seen with the well-off, the well-thought of, as opposed to the poor and needy....Yet during my prayer I marveled at how God kept accepting me and working with me as though nothing were wrong. And I wondered how much has my perseverance and effectiveness in ministry been dependent on the hidden prayers of the hidden pray-ers in my life who never receive so much as a thank you from me...I fasted from breakfast yesterday until breakfast today. What have I done, dear Lord, what have I done?"

My Spiritual Mother

Easter 1992
Avila, Spain

"Throughout this trip, the Lord has been repeating to me that I and the Society and the Church are one just as He and the Father are one. Whatever I do for one, I do for the other. The head must be united to the entire body. I remember Ignatius' dictum that our vocation is a single one: It is by the same grace that I seek God's greater glory, seek the salvation and perfection of my neighbor and save my own soul.

"When I see all these monuments to holy people, I hear in my heart, 'Be holy as they were holy...Time is short, don't fail to redeem it and so use every moment. If you can't minister to others directly, minister to them indirectly by living each moment and fulfilling each responsibility with Christ-like virtue.'

"After lunch today, I had a chance to pray alone in the Convent of St. Joseph, which was Teresa of Avila's first foundation of the Reformed Carmelites. I loved the poverty of the place and her devotion to the Sacred Heart long before it became popularized. Her devotion confirms the desire Jesus has to be Guest in my heart, the Light who waits and watches, the Love who knows no limits...
All the details of her life from the opulence she left at Incarnation Convent to the take up the wooden pillow that she used at St. Joseph Convent, spoke to me. Later on this evening, I told the Jesuit Community that Ignatius is my spiritual father and Teresa is my spiritual mother!"

Give Us Fire

April 15, 1992
Javier, Spain

"Well, my brother Francis Xavier has taken my breath away again. The Castle where Francis grew up, the rolling valley and mountains are too picturesque to describe. The Castle is just as I imagined a castle would be when I was a boy; just the place I wanted to live. The tower is from the 10th century, the rest all there for Xavier's 19 years. I feel so much closer to him and to Ignatius now that I've troubled myself to see their homes, the hills they looked at and climbed and dreamed upon!

"And all day I am filled with zeal to call young men to this campaign for and with Christ. This life and death campaign for souls, for the Father's Kingdom. Jesus longs to celebrate the Paschal Feast in me, in each of us. The plaque on the wall of the cloistered Sisters here says, 'I will sanctify myself for their sakes.'  This is a confirmation of the grace I received yesterday of believing that, as I battle the temptations of the noonday devil and tend with all my might to holiness, the same will happen to the Society of Jesus and to the Church. That's because we are one body. We will all grow young again with the youth of Jesus who renewed His Body through Xavier and Ignatius and now through us.

"A rainbow came out over the Castle as Brother Fantasma S.J. was showing me through. A sign to me that you, Lord, will fulfill my dreams of your glory revealed in a new renaissance for us, your Church Militant. Thank you, dear Father, for this day...for the witness of Jesus, Francis, Ignatius...for my life, their unworthy brother and your unworthy son. Work new wonders, Lord Jesus. Give glory to your name in this dark time. All the Jesuits in Spain are old; they mourn the loss of faith in the young; they look in vain for successors to their work. Hear their cries and tears, dear God. I fear we may all have participated in this slow death and die peacefully--as though we are not Sons of the Resurrection--having nice meals, watching television and entertaining ourselves to death. God forbid it! Give us fire!"