We Will Be Ready

Advent 1995
Des Moines, Iowa

"Advent is upon us. I think it is my favorite season. It corresponds best to my spiritual life which is one of longing for God's coming.

Advent is filled with hope! The Latin, advenit, means 'He is coming' or 'He is on the way toward us.'  God's coming is nothing we can produce or even hasten. But it is something we can prepare for so that we might welcome Him well!

"The Church's Liturgy recommends to our contemplation three great figures who prepared the way of the Lord. Isaiah, who said that 'a virgin shall conceive and bear a son' and that this Messiah would heal every human ill on His holy mountain when He rescues us from our exile and slavery in sin. John the Baptizer, who said that we must have a complete conversion of heart and demonstrate it in just deeds in order to prepare for the One who 'will baptize with fire and the Holy Spirit.'  And Mary, the door through whose trusting faith, humble hope and burning love our God is enabled to approach us.

"The Preface for the First Sunday in Advent says: 'When He (the Lord Jesus) comes may He find us watching in prayer, our hearts filled with wonder and praise.' There are two ways to live Advent. Either distracted by our commercialized society with preparations and premature parties or attracted by the Coming One to silent waiting, ardent longing and generous giving. The bustling inn in Bethlehem which had no room for Jesus typifies the first way. The wise men following the Star and the poor shepherds listening to the angels exemplify the second way.

"It is commonplace that many people sink into depression around this time of year. Why? Perhaps it is because they're concentrating on what they are giving and doing instead of what God is giving and doing. Perhaps they are trying to retrieve the magic of childhood Christmases, characterized by receiving and carefreeness, rather than looking forward to what they can do and give to others in imitation of God's self-giving. Perhaps the malls have become their temples, the office parties their search for holiday cheer, seeking happiness rather than giving it, their goal.

"Let's give some thought to how each of us and each of our families can better observe this Advent season in preparation for Christmas. First, let's put off Christmas until Christmas and use the traditional Advent wreath on the table as a focus for family prayer and conversation. Second, add a practice such as more frequent Mass attendance, some fasting, confession or remembering the poor in concrete ways. Let's focus on seeing our guests, family members and co-workers, especially those with whom we disagree, as the Holy Family in search of room in our hearts. Finally, let us accept the empty spaces in our own hearts instead of feeling sorry for ourselves. If we were completely self-satisfied, there would be no room  for our Savior to come and stay with us! Then, when Christmas comes, we will be ready."

On Watching My Dad Die

July 12, 1977
Iowa

"I'm sitting next to dad's hospital bed. Shortly after waking up from a fitful sleep and after unsuccessful attempts to move his legs himself, he turned over on his side and looked past me out the window  that framed a beautiful blue summer sky and rolling farmland. He said, 'It's a great world if you don't stiffen up'. He said that with a mixture of whimsy and joy...

"It seems dad is dealing with the immanence of his death. He occasionally comes out of the blue with some philosophical musings, so unexpected from such a laconic man. Unfortunately his mind is becoming confused and sustaining dialogue has always worn him out. He said earlier, 'It's so odd how things change so quickly.' This is probably the tip of the iceberg of his private preoccupations as he looks back over his 63 years...Then he said, 'All the things are coming together.'  When I asked for clarification, he paused and searched for words. 'I guess I mean like all the souvenirs from my life are starting to look more like one whole piece to me.'

It's difficult---even heart-rending if weren't such a laconic farm boy myself, I could better articulate my feelings---to watch my dad die and experience physical pain, weakness, frustration, emotional rollercoaster and who knows what else. I feel helpless because I am helpless. Dying is so slow. I wonder what my dying will be like. He (and I) must do it all alone.

"There's a parallel here between this experience and my time in Guatemala earlier this summer. The slowness, the dying, the loss, the helplessness before it all, the poor of Yahweh---Dad is like the people of Guatemala. I refocus and reshuffle the meanings of my life in the face of it all, particularly the naively optimistic varieties of progressivism, of evolutionary perfectability, the quick and efficient syndrome of American know how and technological culture which would deny slowness, helplessness and pain. This denial closes the doorway to the more ancient values of wisdom, goodness and unity which only the Cross can bring. By fostering the belief that we can somehow beat the 'daily deaths' that St. Paul speaks of, we never learn how to live in preparation for the day of our physical death. God help us!"

How To Live This Love?

July 8, 1978
India

"While reading John 17 today, I was overcome with a deeper awareness of my share in the life and love of the Trinity. Even though I was tired, I sensed the unplummable depth and mystery of God's inner life. Even more amazingly, I sensed that life in God's Family is being offered to me now. I don't have to wait until I die to share more deeply in it; God gives me the option to live my life in the love of the Trinity while I live on this earth!

"...But how to live in this love more deeply? My ideals soar so high and my actions look to me like wilted weeds lying in the dirt. I find the discrepancy humiliating, discouraging and confusing but I know this is only a reflection of my pride. I need to walk more consciously in the Little Way. Not only aware of my inabilities but rejoicing in them, like Therese says little children do because they know that will get them the attention and help they need from their parents.

"How long, Lord? How much? When? Now? You alone can teach me and lead me. I make you an offering of my grown-up pride. Take it and view it as the 'widow's mite.' It's all I have to give you!
Yesterday at the Carmelite convent, I prayed before the statue of St Therese, asking for her intercession and more insight into putting the Little Way into practice in my life. It seems like the grace of this meditation on John 17 is answer to her intercession...Thank you, dear Lord, for the consolation of your presence, of making me a member of your family, for the intercession of those who love me, even those who have preceded me into heaven. Let me never take the wonderful family I belong to for granted!"

Trust, Wait and Cooperate

Feast of  St. John Lateran
November 9, 1992
Rome, Italy

"While jogging in the Circus Maximus this morning, I felt God the Father addressing my heart in a forceful way regarding my disappointment because my prayer lately has been so 'dry'.  He seemed to say to me:

   'I am God and Lord. I am not something that you can control. You devalue yourself when you begin thinking, even unwittingly, 'show us a sign and we will believe'. On the contrary, you must learn that you are part of my system, my Divine Will. So I will come to you when and how I choose and seem to withdraw from you when it is best for you...You are my creature, my creation, my son. So this is why I say to you that you must learn now that I will do always what is best for you and you must do always what is appropriate for my creatures. That is Trust, Wait and Cooperate....Never doubt that I have your best interests and the best interests of the Church at heart. All that I do and allow as well as every person and every circumstance ultimately serves my purpose. Even now, my Church, the Body of my Son, is being lacerated and torn in two even as it being healed and Resurrected. You would do best to remember that it is not possible for you to see the whole picture and so you need to have no confidence in your own abilities and complete confidence in Me.  An even subtle belief in your own ideas, comforts or endeavors will eventually lead to idolatry. This is the danger of fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil that Adam grasped. I don't want you to make the same mistake. My Son did not grasp at his equality with Me but emptied himself and so, how much more, must you...This is the lesson my Son strove so often to teach his followers, such as when Peter sank on the lake: Trust Me....So, my dear son, remember just as Jesus appeared to the disciples after the Resurrection according to our schedule and expectations, not theirs, expect the unexpected! Since We are with you all days, only trust as happy children awaiting your homecoming!'"

Soon You Will See Me and We Will Rejoice

May 1989

The dear Lord seems to be saying to me,
"Don't be disturbed by the trouble that you have focusing in prayer after all these years. Isn't I who brings a harvest even in the years of drought? Isn't it I who give you words for your sermons, love for those who come to you, songs when you have no preparation? You're distress at what seems like the dryness of your prayer is unwarranted because of who I Am.

"Don't be afraid. I am with you in faith. Trust Me, even now; even though it seems to you that you can't manage or direct or control My ways. Just be with My ways. Make the best you can of each limited or difficult situation and it will be given to you ("dabitur") as each situation arises.

"I am light; I am clarity; I am mercy.
You are sinful, halting and doubting.
Your righteousness is always my gift to you. Do not be cast down by your faults, sins and weaknesses. Keep referring all to Me who loves to be Mercy to you!
I make up all that is lacking in you. You resolve to do your best to focus on making up what is 'lacking in my sufferings for My Body, the Church.'

"Again I say: Be strong and confident. Nothing will overwhelm you.
I am healing you but, if I leave some weakness, know that it is to ensure that you keep finding your true strength in Me, as did Paul and all of my servants since the beginning.

"And, finally, thank you for your love and yearning for healing for My Church and the Society. I am carrying it forward. Continue in love, fidelity, charity and gentleness for those who 'don't know what they are doing.'...But with humility, confidence and courage press on in season and out of season. Remember, always remember, I am always with you and soon you will see Me and we will rejoice."

So You're Wondering What To Confess

March 8, 1992
Rome, Italy

From a letter of spiritual direction:
"So you're wondering 'what to confess'...I know the problem. Sometimes our 'little sins' or faults seem inconsequential when compared to what others are doing. Since our standard of what is objectively right or wrong, serious or non-serious, is much affected by the scale of values we see around us, we don't find much objectively to accuse ourselves of.

"But, as Christians, our scale or criterion of good or righteous is always God's way of acting. Thus Jesus tells us to 'Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.' Or, to put it another way, we can say that Jesus himself is our criterion--His agape, his self-investing, his self-sacrificing love--as described by Paul in 1 Cor 13. For example, we can say, 'Jesus is kind, Jesus is patient, Jesus doesn't count up wrongs'  etc. Some have suggested using that chapter in Corinthians as an examination of conscience. So you can substitute your name instead of 'Love' or 'Jesus' to get an idea of what needs confessing...

"Those particular failures to act like Jesus are like symptoms of a heart that still reserves some dominion to itself. That part of us that is still not child-like, still not a servant, still not a sister, mother or friend of others, especially those we dislike or who dislike us.

"In John's first epistle, he says that we are 'killers' if we do not love. That sounds dramatic until we realize that one either gives life or destroys it in each and every decision in relation to God, self and others. Only the enlightened heart can see this. The saints, as you know, were the most painfully and crushingly aware of their sins. It is true that what would be a massive failure for them would hardly register on our fault-scale, much less our sin-scale!

"For instance, I was reading St. Ignatius' Spiritual Diary a couple of days ago where he did penance for a week for too abruptly and irreverently leaving the Trinity in prayer to investigate the source of some bothersome noise in his house. He actually did penance and begged the Father to restore him to good graces...Now one can say that objectively what Ignatius did in irreverently dealing with God was wrong because no human being should be irreverent and insensitive to God, our Creator. But, on the subjective level, God wouldn't expect such perfection yet of a person who doesn't know him as well as Ignatius did.

"So, in answer to your question, look closely at Jesus as your yardstick of virtue and not this crazy culture...Ask the Holy Spirit incessantly to give you light to confess now what needs to be rectified in your life. Not simply because all we do will someday be exposed to the Light but because the grace of the sacrament of Confession helps us to stop sinning, as you know. Realize that, while objective good and evil do not change, our culpability does. Another example: I am much more culpable for telling a lie than one of my high school students because of all the graces I've been given etc.
I hope this helps and not just obfuscates the issue for you!"

God of Surprises

June 12, 1990
Prague, Czechoslovakia

"For lunch today I sat across from Fr. Michalek who was prevented for 30 years from exercising his priesthood, including 9 years in prison followed by 5 years in a labor camp rock quarry. Next to him sat Father Provincial of the Czeck Province who has been in office since 1971 and worked for 25 years as an auto mechanic while traveling on weekends to care for his scattered Jesuits...

"My thoughts, then, revolved around my need to remain in a reflective and evaluative stance toward our dear Society and its work in the USA and at Prep. It's easy to get into a rut of tasks and daily pressures; to fall into the dichotomies of the US which tends to divide the world into liberal and conservative camps. It's so easy to simply identify another believer as a 'pietistic charismatic' or a 'pragmatic activist' or whatever. My tendency is to fall into these ruts if I'm not vigilant and lose the big picture.

"The Body of Christ has many members and charisms which are meant to complement and stretch each other in the grand work of serving God and building His Kingdom. We must avoid biased or fearful thought patterns which tend toward the orientation of everyone must see and do things like I do, or 'they' are dangerous because they are different. We serve a God who loves to surprise us, maybe like any good dad likes to surprise his children.

"Reflection, discernment and praxis are a constant necessity. Even our retreats and CLCs and classes must constantly try to challenge our students to see reality and try to improve it from an intelligent Christian perspective. For example, the last day of the Encounter needs to be a clearer invitation to praxis: Love in Action!

"As F.J. Sheed says, 'It is not a case of seeing the same universe as everyone else sees and then seeing God over and above it. For God is the Center of being and of everything whatsoever. If we would see the universe aright, we must see it as God-bathed.'

"The secularized mind of ourselves, our students, our people wants to just add God as one more option among many, instead of re-evaluating everything in terms of His reality and our Christian vocation or call. That is a form of idolatry."

The Painful Truth

Spring 1979,India

"The readings in the Breviary for today speak so clearly to me and to my gathering to myself what belongs to God! 1Cor. 4:1-16 says, 'Name something that you have that you have not received?'   I have no answer for that. God let me see some of the virulence of my sin, its general buildup over the years until, starting in Theology, it swelled to pride and vanity of great proportions. In embarrassment and sadness, I understood that every ability I have is freely given to me but I've siphoned off much profit to myself over the years....I had to admit to making some people around me feel demeaned and inferior (from my family to my fellow Jesuits to the people God has sent me to 'serve') and the smiling way I manipulated their praise as I lapped it up....

"For the first time I realized how it may be dangerous for my soul to get a PhD if it encourages more of this false pride. I can easily see how, after sharing in the intimacy and thrill of helping God create the Universe, some angels around Lucifer began to balk as God created man and took such delight in him. They were envious just as the Elder Brother in the Prodigal Son Parable was envious...The rebels recoiled at serving these puny creatures because they'd come to believe that the power they had came from themselves and their own worthiness and abilities...They became attached to their Separateness from God and from His creation and they like the taste of it. The result was 'Non serviam!'

"Through the grace of this moment, I'm able to see in myself this well-hidden desire for 'separateness' from who God created me to be and from who God created me to serve. The painful truth is that I like to be a bit above the others. I like to secretly preen and set myself apart, to be seen with the well-off, the well-thought of, as opposed to the poor and needy....Yet during my prayer I marveled at how God kept accepting me and working with me as though nothing were wrong. And I wondered how much has my perseverance and effectiveness in ministry been dependent on the hidden prayers of the hidden pray-ers in my life who never receive so much as a thank you from me...I fasted from breakfast yesterday until breakfast today. What have I done, dear Lord, what have I done?"

My Spiritual Mother

Easter 1992
Avila, Spain

"Throughout this trip, the Lord has been repeating to me that I and the Society and the Church are one just as He and the Father are one. Whatever I do for one, I do for the other. The head must be united to the entire body. I remember Ignatius' dictum that our vocation is a single one: It is by the same grace that I seek God's greater glory, seek the salvation and perfection of my neighbor and save my own soul.

"When I see all these monuments to holy people, I hear in my heart, 'Be holy as they were holy...Time is short, don't fail to redeem it and so use every moment. If you can't minister to others directly, minister to them indirectly by living each moment and fulfilling each responsibility with Christ-like virtue.'

"After lunch today, I had a chance to pray alone in the Convent of St. Joseph, which was Teresa of Avila's first foundation of the Reformed Carmelites. I loved the poverty of the place and her devotion to the Sacred Heart long before it became popularized. Her devotion confirms the desire Jesus has to be Guest in my heart, the Light who waits and watches, the Love who knows no limits...
All the details of her life from the opulence she left at Incarnation Convent to the take up the wooden pillow that she used at St. Joseph Convent, spoke to me. Later on this evening, I told the Jesuit Community that Ignatius is my spiritual father and Teresa is my spiritual mother!"

Give Us Fire

April 15, 1992
Javier, Spain

"Well, my brother Francis Xavier has taken my breath away again. The Castle where Francis grew up, the rolling valley and mountains are too picturesque to describe. The Castle is just as I imagined a castle would be when I was a boy; just the place I wanted to live. The tower is from the 10th century, the rest all there for Xavier's 19 years. I feel so much closer to him and to Ignatius now that I've troubled myself to see their homes, the hills they looked at and climbed and dreamed upon!

"And all day I am filled with zeal to call young men to this campaign for and with Christ. This life and death campaign for souls, for the Father's Kingdom. Jesus longs to celebrate the Paschal Feast in me, in each of us. The plaque on the wall of the cloistered Sisters here says, 'I will sanctify myself for their sakes.'  This is a confirmation of the grace I received yesterday of believing that, as I battle the temptations of the noonday devil and tend with all my might to holiness, the same will happen to the Society of Jesus and to the Church. That's because we are one body. We will all grow young again with the youth of Jesus who renewed His Body through Xavier and Ignatius and now through us.

"A rainbow came out over the Castle as Brother Fantasma S.J. was showing me through. A sign to me that you, Lord, will fulfill my dreams of your glory revealed in a new renaissance for us, your Church Militant. Thank you, dear Father, for this day...for the witness of Jesus, Francis, Ignatius...for my life, their unworthy brother and your unworthy son. Work new wonders, Lord Jesus. Give glory to your name in this dark time. All the Jesuits in Spain are old; they mourn the loss of faith in the young; they look in vain for successors to their work. Hear their cries and tears, dear God. I fear we may all have participated in this slow death and die peacefully--as though we are not Sons of the Resurrection--having nice meals, watching television and entertaining ourselves to death. God forbid it! Give us fire!"

Our Already Is Greater Than Our Not Yet

May 2011

Wauwatosa, WI

"One of today's readings reminds of the fact of how much Christ 'emptied' Himself to become one of us (Phil. 2). One way that Jesus chose to explain this fact of life to us is through the image of the Good Shepherd.  A good shepherd knows and loves his sheep individually and they know him and follow his voice.  He protects his sheep from wolves and from thieves, guides them through dangerous places, and leads them to restful waters and verdant pastures.  He lives and sleeps and eats with them, and even lays down his life for them.

"Is our life as Catholics meant to be a burden or a blessing?  Do we live a happy life assured of God’s love and grace, or do we live an anxious life trying (in vain?) to earn His love and His grace?  Jesus says that He has come that we might have a share in His Divine Life even now, and that we might have it abundantly (Jo 10:10).  Yes, even now we can relax in the security of our salvation.  For, as today’s second reading tells us, “He himself bore our sins in his body upon the cross, so that, free from sin, we might live for righteousness” (I Pet 2:24).  To “live for righteousness” means to live a Spirit-filled life of holiness as Jesus did.  We have died with Christ and we have risen with Him (cf. Rom 6:5-11), so that now “Christ lives in me” (Gal 2:20).  We can no longer boast in our own moral achievements for God has made Christ our wisdom, our righteousness, our sanctification and our redemption (cf. I Cor 1:29-31).

"We can see our salvation and holiness in Christ in two ways:  as already fully ours, and as not yet fully ours. I daresay that most Catholics see their union with God and their salvation as “not yet”, as something they strive for and hope for but which they will not realize or receive for sure until after they die and go to God.  There is of course some truth to that. But we Catholics need to strengthen our grasp on the “already” of our life in God.  If, for instance, an evangelical Christian asks us “Have you been saved?”, our immediate response should be “Yes! Thanks be to God!.”  Jesus has saved me and my “life is hidden with Christ in God” (Col 3:3).  I have an “inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for me” (I Pet 1:4)!  But many Catholics will not be that spiritually bold and confident.  It’s true that we can only hope for eternal salvation and that none of us know for sure if we will go to heaven rather than to hell.  But any doubt about my final destiny has to do with the possibility that I may still turn my back on God and His will.  It has nothing to do with God’s gift of Himself in Christ which is always offered to me if only I will receive it.  

"Our assignment as Catholics is to carefully read and ponder each of the bible readings cited above and to thank God that these are gifts are already mine, not just promised.  The Good Shepherd takes every care of his sheep whom He knows by name, just as a father or mother dedicates all their love and effort to caring for their child.  The loved child is carefree and happy because he or she knows he is loved, protected, delighted in, provided for, guided and accompanied, and that “only goodness and kindness follow me all the days of my life” (Ps 23:6).  Our loving God wants each of us to live without doubts and anxieties about His love or about the “dark valleys” and trials of life.  “In all these things we conquer overwhelmingly” (Rom 8:37) because our Father “makes all things work together unto good” (Rom 8:37) for us who trust His shepherding. The truth is that, as we draw closer to God, our 'already' is greater than our 'not yet.'"

I Will Not Wait for Purgatory

             August 25, 1979          Bahar, India

"Seek grace for the smallest things, and you will also find grace to accomplish, to believe in, and to hope for the greatest things. Attend to the smallest things, examine them, think about putting them into effect, and the Lord will grant you greater."          St. Peter Faber

"Let me comment on the theme of this afternoon. It would seem to be a great and quite selfless desire to want to serve Christ and proclaim His truth tirelessly while I have time in this world...It's obvious we must be purified in some way before we can see God and I desire to do that now and not wait for Purgatory for two reasons: I may not be saved if I dally for if I'm not gathering more and more with Him, I'm scattering. And the more and sooner I'm purified by total unreserved surrender, the more I'll be able to do for His Kingdom, the people I'm vowed to serve.

"Over and above all though, a new and beautiful sense has been captivating me; I want to be holy and purified and in love with Christ for His sake, because He wants it, because He wants me. I feel more emptied of self and concerns and anxieties about where I stand and how holy I am etc. Instead I'm aware of a growing simplification that settles my desire and aim and passion more on Him, the Holy Trinity, and less on myself. I want my response to take whatever form His will manifests but I dream of ministry like Paul's or Xavier's...

"This intense desire for holiness and mission and apostolic fruitfulness led me to begin reading, 'To The Other Towns', a book by Bangert about Peter Favre (Faber). He is so special to me because he feels like a kindred spirit....With Favre, I will 'seek the grace for the smallest things' and let God decide my future, which I again surrender to Him."

I Cannot Remain Lonely

October 7, 2010, Tucson, AZ    

"Do you sometimes feel that God is far away from you? That He doesn't know what you're going through or worse, doesn't care? Scripture assures us that God is close, very close, and that He knows all my thoughts, feelings, desires, plans, fears, joys, temptations, choices, sorrows.

" For example, In Psalm 139 we find the psalmist telling God that, 'Before a word is on my tongue, you know it...You formed me in my mother's womb...Your eyes foresaw all my actions..'   And again in Hebrews 4, 'Everything is naked and exposed to Him to whom we must render an account.'  St Augustine acknowledges the intimacy he has with God in my places in his 'Confessions.'     

   "Like Augustine, my prayer too can become an intimate dialogue of togetherness with God. If I can't find words,  I can rest in the knowledge of Christ with me and simply say, 'Lord, you see my feelings. Thank you for caring, for helping, for being so close even if I don't see you. '  It is much easier to deal with temptation and avoid sin if I am aware that God sees, that He is always watching me and waiting to help, like a vigilant parent or friend.

   "If His gaze feels like a threat to me, it is a sign that either I need to repent of my desires or I need  to alter my image of Jesus from that of an ill-tempered policeman to that of the merciful father described in Luke 15. When I remain aware of God's presence during the day, both within me and around me, I cannot remain lonely. It is also easier to seek and receive His guidance in my decisions and temptations that come up in the course of a day. He gives me courage and strength to face my challenges and responsibilities. So, by being aware of the reality of God Present to Me, I can live securely and happily as small children do when their parents are close by. 

   "To this end, may I suggest that you develop the habit of reminding yourself during the day, 'The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I shall lack' (Ps. 23) or 'The Father knows all that I need.' (Mt 6:32) or a similar short Scripture. Additionally, at the beginning of every period of prayer as well as at the start of your other activities---work, study, leisure, driving the car, going to bed or getting up, attending a party or a meeting etc.---pause for a moment and acknowledge the loving gaze of your Father or Jesus upon you, wanting to be with you, to talk with you and help you in the activity you are about to begin. Tell Him what you are feeling and what you need. Ask Him what He is feeling and what you can do for Him or what He wants for you. Imagine our Father renewing your baptism, like that of Jesus in the Jordan or the apostles at Pentecost. In the way, when you die and see the face of Christ, you will already be well acquainted!"

     

Healing Wounded Masculinity

"On Him lay the sins of us all."

July 10, 1989

"Felt lead by the Lord today to pray the Sorrowful Mysteries as a healing for our wounded masculinity. As this was fruitful for me, I will write it down and pass it on to other men who might be helped by it.

• "First Sorrowful Mystery: Agony in the Garden teaches us that Christ's Obedience uproots man's (esp young men's) rebelliousness and willfulness that wants to apply his own power to his own projects. I.e., "the egocentric masculine untempered by the transcendent masculine will.."
• "Second Sorrowful Mystery: Flogging at the pillar teaches us how to uproot immature masculine power that expresses itself in thrill seeking and dominating others either physically or emotionally. This False Vitality is overcome here by Jesus' True Vitality in the face of brute force. 
• "Third Sorrowful Mystery:  Jesus is crowned with thorns, mocked and ridiculed. He thereby uproots men's reliance on honor that the world bestows on us for our successes...such as money, degrees, larger homes/cars and all the trappings that only belong to this world and are, therefore, passing. By the blood He shed in this Mystery, Christ dissolves False Importance or our drive to establish our little kingdoms.
• "Fourth Sorrowful Mystery:  Jesus carries His Cross to Calvary and thereby uproots the refuge that man tends to take in his aloneness...I.e., the cold comfort he feels in self-pity, in isolation, in setting himself apart from all the 'needy' in this world. The Cross, by contrast, is a personal and a collective burden. 'Weep not for me but for yourselves and your children..', Jesus tells the women by the side of road. Similarly, Simon of Cyrene has to help Him or He wouldn't have made it. Therefore, by allowing Himself to be helped, Christ dissolves our False Independence.
• "Fifth Sorrowful Mystery:  By the Crucifixion, Jesus uproots all that remains of our false ego, of uncaring man bent on his own private projects and life-scripts; of any meaning that we derive from our philosophies, ideologies, politics or any idols erected by man's refusal to submit and give his life totally to others. This very physical act conquers our False Transcendence. 

This Gospel Is Scary

Father's Love

February 16. 1996
Sunday homily
St. Ambrose Cathedral
Des Moines, IA
USA

"In today's reading, Jesus says, 'Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his Cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life, for my sake, will find it.'

"This Gospel is scary, we have to admit it. Jesus tells us that we must deny ourselves, take up our cross and lose our life in order to find it. There's no way around this and Jesus doesn't try to sugarcoat it. But this is one of the truths of our Faith that must  be understood correctly or it is misused by the Enemy to scare us away from Jesus, from our Faith, from life.

"I think one of the most helpful distinctions in terms used here was made by Thomas Merton, a Trappist monk who died in 1968, in his book 'New Seeds of Contemplation.'  In it, Merton distinguishes between the True Self who is created and willed by God---always known, intended and loved by God---and the False Self which is created by fear, created by us when we don't believe we are loved by our Father in heaven. So, out of fear, we create an armor that will defend us and we attempt to make ourselves invulnerable to whatever comes. In that process, we harden our hearts so we don't love and we're constantly trying to build our own little kingdoms. A child without a parent does become hard, like a street urchin, who learns to be tough in order to survive.

"So, if we understand this distinction, this hard saying of Jesus becomes easier. If we perhaps hear Jesus saying here, 'If a person wishes to come after Me, he must deny his false self, take up his cross and follow me. Whoever would save his 'false' self, will lose it but whoever loses his 'false' self, for My sake, will find his 'true' self.'

"Even though this way of translating Jesus' words is a little cumbersome, it helps us understand that He is saying that our process of  annihilation is not of my True Self, which is created and nurtured by God. Over the centuries, a harmful strain of masochism and self-hatred has crept into Christianity. The Enemy tries to falsify every good thing and he has truly falsified this one. Many people are deep-down afraid that, if they give themselves totally to God, God will abuse them or take away their freedom.

"Now imagine that. The God who created us and redeemed us wants to destroy us. How can God contradict Himself? Many people have had abusive experiences with parents or others in their lives and live in an unhealed state. We all tend to project our 'unhealedness' on to others and so we project these past experiences onto our heavenly Father as well.  Obviously, we have to purify that notion and realize that we can't re-make God into our image and likeness.

"But we also have to purify a deeper tendency we have of not trusting God and not believing that He is truly in love with us. Jesus said in John 10, 'I've come that you might have life and have it to the full...Whereas the thief comes only to rob and kill and destroy.'  Very very frequently, we have a fundamental, almost unconscious, belief that God will rob or kill or destroy me if I allow myself to fall into His hands.

"But Jesus has come only to destroy what is false in us. The armor with which we attempt to keep ourselves invulnerable to love and keep us from receiving love, the armor of that False Self, must be destroyed, crucified and shattered but only so the real, True Self, the vulnerable self, the loving self, the self made in God's image and likeness can emerge.

"And that is what Jesus is saying here about losing our false life so that we may finally find our true life. Not that this makes the losing part any less painful; it's always going to be painful. We always feel like something necessary to ourselves and our lives is being destroyed and taken away from us. But, at least, this purification of our faith and our trust in the Lord should make this dying a bit easier. We all have to take this great jump of Faith into the Father's arms, just as Jesus did on the Cross."

Reaching for Jesus' Heart

June 2, 1989
Feast of Sacred Heart and the 16th Anniversary of my ordination
Petersham, MA


"My heart is reaching for Jesus' heart. I need to keep reminding myself that our souls, His and mine, are already touching. I feel a need to lay my head on His chest, like John, because that's where God's faithful, compassionate love meets us and where our human love is returned perfectly to God...

"In thinking about this, I realized with joy that in and with Jesus' heart, I can give perfect love to God, even when I feel nothing. So, while I 'fill up what is lacking in His sufferings for the sake of His Body, the Church' by taking up my Cross everyday, Jesus Himself fills up what is lacking in my sufferings, in my ardor, in my sacrifices.  He supplies and gives me to appropriate as my own, His life, His virtue, His love! He has 'become my justice and holiness, my wisdom and reconciliation.'

"As I experienced more of this Great Exchange during prayer, my heart felt like it would burst with the love transfused from His heart...Throughout my prayer was undulating and climbing a Gregorian chant of love and praise which I didn't feel was a distraction but rather a form of praise...How can I communicate this transfused Love more effectively to others, especially my students at Prep? How can I share this Love more often with the Lord? In reading Abp Sheen's book on the daily Holy Hour and Celibacy, I was touched by his practice of short, frequent visits to the Blessed Sacrament throughout the course of the day. He compares it to the tenderness, solicitude and delicacy of spouses who work at their relationship...I need to do more of this. With Him, as with others, I can tend to be insensitive and neglectful..."

A Letter from Hospice

May 20, 2011
Wauwatosa, WI
USA

"Sometimes we are a disappointment to ourselves and others. Just let me reflect a bit on this emptiness I am feeling, that we all feel from time to time, and what might be done about it.

"Experience of prayer over the years has taught me to tolerate and even to value emptiness--that blank time when there are no thoughts or feelings or inspirations. St. John of the Cross has taught the world that God needs to empty us of ourselves in order to fill us with Himself. He weans us and dries us up so that we have no alternative but to wait for Him to come. Jesus told us that He was 'going to prepare a place for us' and 'I will come back again and take you to myself.' Still, we wait and wonder and often wander...

"When we look at Scripture, we see that almost all of Jesus' post-Resurrection appearances occurred at times when His followers were empty. For example, Mary Magdalene was distraught because the tomb was empty and she thought someone had come and stolen His body. Jesus speaks her name and she recognizes Him.
Another time, the disciples returning to Emmaus are disillusioned because Jesus whom they had thought was the Messiah ended up crucified. Unknown to them, Jesus draws near, gets them talking about their emptiness and then chides them for not understanding that the emptiness of the Cross was the necessary prelude to the fullness of the Resurrection. He enflames their hearts with a Scripture lesson and they recognize Him in the breaking of the bread.
Then we also read of the apostles hiding behind locked doors in the upper room for fear of arrest by the authorities. The Lord comes through the doors, shows them His wounds, eats with them and so overwhelms them with joy that they could hardly believe it because it seemed too good to be true.
Subsequently, Peter and some others, jittery with cabin fever in Jerusalem, decide to go up to Galilee and fish. But alas, after a whole night, they caught nothing---emptiness---until the morning when a stranger on the shore told them where to cast their nets for a bountiful catch. After Jesus cooked breakfast for them, he invited Peter, who was feeling guilty and afraid for having denied Him, to go for a walk and to be forgiven and sent again to care for others: 'Yes, Lord, you know I love you. Then feed my sheep.'

"Each of us has times of loss, failure, loneliness, emptiness and lack of spiritual feeling and desire. Just as I felt that I had 'nothing to say or give' to you when I started this letter. We must not panic or despair but wait with holy longing for Jesus; or we must just go about doing what we know is His will for us. He tells us, 'Do not let your hearts be troubled...in my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I have told you that I'm going to prepare a place for you?
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will  come back again and take you to Myself, so that where I am you also may be.' (Jn 14:1-3).

"Jesus is always with us when it least seems that He is. He waits for our act of trust. And then He reveals Himself and fills our hearts with resurrection joy!"

Hinds Feet on High Places

December 13, 1991

"I've given much thought and prayer lately to asking the Lord to show me what my 'personal vocation' is. Today, in prayer, I came as close as to this discovery as I ever have when I read Habakuk 3:17-19 in the Breviary:

'For though the fig tree blossom not, nor fruit be on the vine,
Though the yield of the olive fail and the terraces produce no nourishment,
Though the flocks disappear from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls,
Yet will I rejoice In the Lord and exult in my saving God.
God, my Lord, is my strength.
He makes my feet swift as those of the hinds and enables me to go upon high places.'

"Even though I've read this passage many many times, today it deeply consoles me because it is the truth. In our nothingness and poverty, God's glory shines and His power is perfected and manifested as He fills us with His life...This is truth for all, of course, but for me it is personal and particular. So many of my favorite Scripture passages are built around this same theme. E.g., 2 Cor 12:7-10, Rmns 12:1-2, Hbrws 10:5-10.

"My own history of grace and salvation is reflected in all these passages and revolves around the way God has worked through allowing me to taste my existential poverty in my weaknesses on every level....All these weaknesses and failures and trials were/are really invitations by my Lord to accept His self-gift, to empty myself and be filled with Him, thus becoming more my true self.

"I recall, Lord God, the great grace you gave me while I lived in Korea. Instead of spreading the knowledge of you throughout Asia, you chose instead to meet me in my extended illness, in my inability to become fluent in the language etc and you came into my leaky little house and stayed with me in my poverty until I recognized You and, therefore, recognized more of who I really am. Just as you did in Bethlehem, and with Zaccheus and at Golgotha.

"As so I learned to praise You in my poverty. That what I perceive as one reality, You, by means of your presence, change into a higher reality as I begin to praise You. And so my personal vocation is Praise in Poverty...This seems to be the thread or cord upon which You have strung all the beads of my joys, sorrows and my glory: The Paschal Mystery lived out in my own flesh...Protected by Mary and Joseph and instructed by Ignatius, You are forming my identity as your son in the Son...

"This grace seems to help me explain better the paradox that I feel in my bones. That is being
a Living Desire,
a Perpetual Advent,
an Empty Fullness,
a Loveless Passion.
To this I will add, a Praising Poverty!

"Is my identity then precisely the first Beatitude?
Part of me rebels at the idea and realization of being poor forever in this world, at ever deepening levels. Dearest God, give me the grace not to refuse this coming and this embrace of Yours! Amen."

I Began To Meditate On My Own Death

September 22, 1991
Villa Cavaletti
Italy

"I began by making Romans 12:1-2 my Evening Prayer:

'I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercy of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship. Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.'

"To be transformed by the renewal of my mind, I need to see my sin by the pure grace of God. I doubt  that I've committed mortal sin in my life, one deserving of hell and being eternally cut off from a relationship with God. 

"Yet I'm aware of being a profoundly sinful man in the sense of my egotism. What came to me were Igantius' words in SpEx #189: 'self-love, self-will, self-interest', these are the manifestations of my sin.  Like all sinners, I tend to go along with God just fine until He crosses my will. Then my anger, born of pride, rises up as well as self-pity. I often react the same way to other people too--let them cross me, disrespect me or ignore me and I want to block them out of my life. I remember Jesus saying, 'Even the pagans love those who love them.'

"I find my sin in moments as when Jesus glanced at Peter right after Peter's betrayals.  Since to whom much has been given, much is expected, my hardness of heart and pride is just as bad or worse as those who 'go from one mortal sin to another' (#314) on a grosser level of evil and destruction...

"Began to pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary asking Mary to show me my sin. Since she and her Son are sinless, they know sin best because they know God and live pure love; so they easily see the absurdity, darkness, disorder and tragedy of sin.

"As I prayed the Rosary, I paused to consider the sins manifest in each decade of the Sorrowful Mysteries; from the raining down of blows, insults and spittle on the sinless flesh and heart of Jesus to the 5th Mystery, Jesus' death on the Cross. There it struck me that the heart of sin was the refusal to become seed. ('Unless a seed falls into the ground and dies, it cannot bear fruit...Unless you take up your Cross everyday, you cannot follow Me...') This summarizes our unbelief, pride and obstinate refusal to give ourselves and to lose ourselves in love and let God determine everything...

"Then I began to meditate on my own death. I am moderately afraid of death because it is a large act of faith. Very concrete faith, no room for rhetoric here, handing over my existence to an Invisible Being whom I believe to be there for me. While praying about this, the Lord said to me, 

" 'This will be easier if you practice now by handing more and more of your life over to Me. You tend to stay in a safe zone too much, trying to have it both ways, satisfying both the natural and the supernatural, keeping control and not abandoning yourself in total dependence on Me alone. After practicing more and becoming reassured of my Saving Presence, death will be easier to do.' "

Pros and Cons of the Society of Jesus

Fr. Tomasek and the Jesuit Superior General

October 1991

Values the Society of Jesus has going for it:

1. A deep spirituality, tried and proven, praised by the Church and capable of producing saints and zealous apostles for Christ and His Church.
2. The Spiritual Exercises: While they now belong to the Church, Jesuits are usually the most experienced in them because we make them and direct them so often.
3. Our Saints:  Doctors, confessors, martyrs, teachers whose lives still inspire us to trace some of the manifold Ignatian paths to sanctity.
4. Intercessors in heaven praying constantly for God's grace to attend us; members of the Society too numerous to count interceding for those on earth for the last 450 years.
5. Long and rigorous formation, training and education often forms men of outstanding achievement and service to God, the Church and the culture.
6. Living with men who, in addition to their faults, are by and large seeking holiness and, therefore, live in a spirit of generosity, fun and companionship.
7. Existing institutions which are often powerful apostolic instruments: Universities, high schools, institutes, retreat houses, publications, parishes and missions, the outreaches of which are depended on by the Church.
8. The wide variety of possible apostolates open to individual Jesuits which include education on all levels with all types of populations, spiritual direction, parochial work, missions etc.

Problems the Society of Jesus has going against it:

1. Defacto full, prompt obedience ot the directives of the Holy Father and the teaching authority of the Church. Often excused as a type of 'loyal opposition' etc but very evident in instances such as the publication/implementation of Humanae Vitae.
2. Failure to defend Catholic teaching and morals in the face of the secular/intellectual establishment's bias. E.g., Georgetown U's lame justification for an 'abortion club.'
3. A system of formation and formators who often place subtle pressure and criticism on young Jesuits who manifest robust support for the Holy Father and/or traditional teaching. These men often come to feel diagnosed as 'rigid' or 'inflexible' etc.
4. Even ordained Jesuits are often subjected to tactics described in #3 by a power structure of provencials/superiors who often tend to operate under a 'gentlemen's agreement' not to rock the boat.

I Am No Longer an Isolated 'I'

Fr. Tomasek at Lake Michigan. 5 weeks before his death.

 

February 2011
Milwaukee, WI

"What kind of friendship or marriage would we have if we did not enjoy talking with our beloved, sharing what we are experiencing and asking our partner to share what he or she is experiencing? Lovers make phone calls and text each other. They hold each other in their heart, enjoy shared memories and mutual hopes and dreams. They look forward to talking when they get home from work. They do not define themselves as individualists anymore but as a couple, as two persons in a relationship.

"The Lord asks no less of us. He wants to be in an ongoing dialogue with us throughout our days and nights. We tend to compartmentalize our lives and say, 'I pray in the morning and in the evening and the rest of the time I attend to God's will and the people He puts in my life.' But isn't that too artificial? If I love Him, want to thank Him, feel moved to ask His grace and seek His guidance, just want to share and enjoy time with Him, and oftentimes find myself empty and lonely for Him, why should I not keep up a dialogue with Him during the in-between times of my day?

"Then there is the fact that Jesus wants and needs to talk with me. By creating me in His image and likeness, by calling me to faith and companionship with Himself, humbly making Himself my equal in many wants, offering His sufferings for me, sharing His divine glory with me, He is asking me to listen to Him and to follow His lead even when I don't feel like it. Remember that we often don't feel like relating to the Lord. He often seems a bore or a bother and I don't expect anything new or important as a result of this dialogue with Him.

"I don't feel like talking to God because my heart is still selfish and closed in on itself in many ways. Likewise I don't always feel like talking to my spouse or close friend. But, in the end, I must 'act against' this inclination and make the sacrifice of spending time and opening my heart to my beloved. Only gradually is my heart transformed into one of love instead of self-love, self-interest and self-will (Cf: Spiritual Exercises #189).

"Scripture is of course the primary model for the dialogue between God and human beings. When God becomes flesh and has intimate human relationships with men and women, we see examples of how Jesus wants to be part of our everyday lives. But there is also a rich body of Christian literature in which the saints and those who have gone before us engage in a deep and growing mutuality with the Holy Trinity. One thinks of such writings as Augustine's Confessions, Kempis' Imitation of Christ, Catherine of Siena's Dialogue and the Diary of St Faustina. Reading them, one learns the art of carrying on a life-giving dialogue with Jesus in all of our daily activities.

"One spiritual diary I wish to especially recommend is "He and I" by Gabrielle Bossis, written from 1936 to 1950, the year that she died. In it, Gabrielle records what she believes to be Jesus' words to her as the last part of her busy life on earth unfolds. And as she invites us to 'listen in' to Jesus' dialogue with her, we begin to realize that He is speaking to my heart as well. We begin to hear and see things from His divine perspective, to realize His amazing love for me and His desires and direction for my happiness and growth. New areas of my life come alive. I fall in love and burn with a desire to live in God's will. I am no longer an isolated 'I' but have imperceptibly become a 'we' with Him who is my Lord, my Beloved, my Life."

I Could Try Simply Smiling

September 6, 1981
"Once I can give my primary burden to God, then I can step back and say, 'Lord, how can I help?' Not, 'You gotta help me!!' but 'How can I help you?'
The Lord means to carry the primary burden of saving all those who we are concerned about...Additionally, I cannot give to another person the love which only God can give...It often works out that, by assuming burdens that I'm not meant to assume, I end up putting burdens on the backs of those I'm praying for if they don't respond according to my time frame. Then neither of us is free!

"...Looking at all that has happened to me during these last months, it seems clear that Jesus has been orchestrating it all. My sickness, the brother priests who have tried to help me, my prayer etc have all brought to the fore that, while I was looking for something more grandiose, dramatic and overwhelming, God has been quietly asking me to let Him carry the Cross...of the conversions I desire, of the Society, of my health, my future and on and on.

"How can I live this out?...For example, when I'm engaged in meetings or even dialogues or homilies, especially when I'm feeling opposition (or just imagining it), instead of being serious and wrinkled-browed and pounding things negatively, I could try simply smiling and saying 'Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do X?'
In view of the fact that Jesus is really here and in charge and carrying the biggest part of my Cross, it is logical to see the lighter side of the situation. That attitude helps put others at ease too.

"In the 2 Standards Exercise, Jesus stands 'in a lowly place, His appearance beautiful and attractive.' He calls His friends and servants to 'attract all to poverty' etc. While Satan uses fear, force, threats and chains. So, in imitation of the Standard I am pledged to follow, I will walk as the Lord walks."

Don't You Find the Church's Authority Oppressive?

October 28, 1981

"Went out with M.C. for dinner and a movie. During dinner, he asked me if I didn't find authority in the Church oppressive. I explained that the Church is Christ's Spouse and mine, His Mother and mine. Bishops are usually paternal and compassionate and reasonable. Explained that Jesuit (and ecclesial) obedience is, in fact, obedience to Jesus in His representatives. Human success or efficacy is not a reason or criterion for this obedience. Philippians 2 speaks eloquently of emptying/obedience/Cross and Resurrection and its meaning. There is also great security and joy in knowing one is doing God's will by following Church authority.

"M. was grateful and said, 'Well, if you look at it that way, it's not so bad. I've never heard that explanation.' After I got home, I prayed, 'Dear Lord, how many generous young men and women like him have not been taught basic truths of their Faith and Tradition? No wonder we have so few vocations, so many leaving the Church! We've deprived many of their right to hear the Truth. Your sheep and lambs have not been fed. That is why they're fainting by the wayside.'....Ours is the sad world of Ignatius points to in his Incarnation Meditation. And I am part of it, a sinner like the rest. I asked Christ again to come into it...

"Acts 8:20: 'May your silver be lost forever and you with it for thinking that money could buy what God has given for nothing!'
Greatly helped by this verse in prayer as I felt again the futility of any acts of intellect, will or imagination to prevent distractions in prayer. God told me, 'You don't have to do anything to receive this Gift of God, the Holy Spirit. In fact, it would be wrong, perhaps even sinful, to think you can do anything to merit or cause such a gift to be given (type of simony?)

"Rather, rejoice that you are helpless and that you need only receive, only accept it as fact that God now beholds you. You cannot keep your gaze on Him but His gaze on you is steady. Even now, He is about pouring His Spirit into you, whether or not you are aware.."

AMDG?

August 29, 1981
    "Discovered that perhaps one hidden way I use to escape present circumstances offered me by the Lord--like language studies,the last four years teaching high school, my last few months of illness, always moving etc.---is to imagine that all this is a preparation for some greater future work when I will presumably be able to use all this garnered experience and wisdom to be a great help as a preacher or teacher with a large impact.

"It's as if the Lord turned a light on a little secret fantasy I keep in a dark corner. While its true that nothing is lost in the Lord and all seems to secretly build toward some future utilization for His service, I've realized that I've turned this into a fantasy that I'm getting attached to as the 'true reality' that I'm only preparing for through this trackless wandering...

"But this contrary to God's words that declares that eternal life starts now, even and especially in the hidden forms such as Nazareth or the seeming failure of Calvary. No wonder I'm rushing forward, despising the present and stepping on it in order to get to the glorious future...

"In Mt 24:42-51, Jesus wants to find us busy working at whatever task He's entrusted to us. It's not the big and flashy works and success that we might choose. It's the day-in day-out fidelity that He's looking for...

"Have I moved so often and so far because of this kind of ambition for something bigger or greater? Am I lead by the Holy Spirit or my own ambitions? Am I dedicated to God's greater glory but running a deal on the side for myself ?"

Give Me the Grace I Ask For

August 12, 1980 

Sogang Universtiy,

South Korea

"Meditated on Peter's denial and the Passion of Jesus (Spiritual Ex #292).

Tried to be present simply through my imagination, intellect and will. My prayer is poor and that's a helpful purification in meditating on the Passion. I'd like to have strong reactions like Ignatius did but I react more like one who doesn't really love Jesus. Like Peter, when the moment of truth arrives, I choose myself over Jesus. Yet I am consoled that Jesus is doing this precisely for me, a weak sinner, so that one day I might be able to love and suffer with Him.

"I see His face, smitten and running with dirty spittle. After Communion, I realized that I am feeding off the New Human Being that Jesus forged through His suffering, through obedience, through love. Feeding off His flesh and blood and will, always ordered to the Father's will, now as man was originally created in his full potential, mind, courage, patience and faith. 

"Perhaps Jesus is letting me experience what the apostles did during His Passion. They certainly couldn't take any satisfaction or pride in sharing His passion, as I can't. What He is doing for us is pure gift--taking our sins on Himself without our help or appreciation because He loves us and has promised the Father that He will save us by expiating our sins...

"Underneath all is hope that I can truly become a lover of the Passion, both in deed and in intuition; that I can love to suffer for Christ as did Ignatius; that I can eagerly embrace the humiliations and difficulties of learning and speaking Korean, the crowded buses, bodily sickness and insults.

"Dear Jesus, Thank you. I bless and praise you in weariness and darkness for you are carrying me, so heavy.

Give me the grace I ask for: The grace to love your Passion. I know the conquest of the world for You must begin with the conquest of myself."

The Grace of a Deep Desire

August 7,  1980

"Reflecting on the Presentation of Jesus in the Temple and praying for the grace of a deep desire for and appreciation of the obedience and humility I see there. That is, Mary and Joseph in fulfilling so unquestioningly the Law of Moses; of God who made himself subject to it; of Simeon and Anna...

"Also appreciation for how Divine Providence who orders all things so sweetly when each person does their task in God's will. Because Mary and Joseph did this, they were confirmed and enlightened further in the mystery of their Child. Simeon and Anna's long waiting and prayers too became fruitful and confirmed for them.

"I too feel confirmed in my belief that, if I continue to simply do whatever God seems to require, He will use it to build His loving plan, perhaps for people I'll never know on this earth. Here I am, 2,000 years later, benefiting from the acts of obedience of these people who no doubt saw themselves as no more important in God's universal plan than I do...

"Jesus' submission to parents and life in Nazareth was an act of obedience to his Father, who now had Jesus' heart. In this way, Jesus makes every human and hidden action of mine a potential way of loving and obeying God!"

Why Do I Pray?

May 25, 1979
Sogang University
Seoul, S. Korea

"For you, Lord, I am writing this journal for you and you can pass it on if you like. I feel the need to incarnate, in actions and words, the dim intentions, intuitions and feelings of my soul. It's like an imperative of nature that I must express (ex prime), press out, into this world what I'm given to perceive of you at the heart of all my experiences.

"This expression, this incarnation, may be of utility to someone else. In any case, it clarifies the particular way you are giving yourself to me in my personality and history and circumstances. These are so much the locus and medium of your self-communication to me that to reject, bypass or undervalue myself is to treat you thus.

"I also see that this expression, as stammering and humiliatingly inadequate utterance as it is of You-in-me, is a purely liberal act of love and praise. It is being overflowing--ex abundantia cordis loquitor.

"The bird sings because it is a bird. Why do I pray?
For others in the Body and my own deeper adhesion to you and reception of your graces, yes. Obedience, yes. But, above and beyond all this, I must pray because of my being me and You being You. The creature must praise and long for his Creator because  that's part of the definition of creaturehood--a dependent, derivative existence.

"As lungs long for air, as eyes for sunsets and ears for music...so the relationship of the creature who longs for the Creator and the Creator who longs for the creature and the beloved who longs for the beloved can only really explain why I pray.

"And then there is playing in praying. Non-pragmatic, actively involved and the hardest to define aspect of prayer. This is the dimension that will survive death and constitute Eternal Life. Well, I suspect this journal too belongs to the category of "play", just ad prayer does. When pragmatic values don't move me, then may I praise you, Lord, by rehearsing and processing in these pages the stuff of your love poured out within me."

Enough That He Knows

Blessed Mother Grotto that Fr. Tomasek built before leaving home for the Jesuit Novitiate.

October 7, 1978
Feast of the Holy Rosary
Govindpur, Bihar

"Went to the Carmel Convent to say Mass and after that to Govindpur where we were treated to much love, good conversation, whiskey and a delicious barbequed chicken....

"Reminded of my recent meditation on Jesus leaving Mary in Nazareth, in which loving contemplation much sustained by being carried along by the background music of the Hail Mary I wrote...
I saw Jesus and Mary having their last breakfast, very human and detailed. Seeing Mary through Jesus' eyes (the beloved spouse, the true and faithful mother) and Jesus through Mary's eyes (God's Abraham leaving for a new land...her own beloved Son whom she had given, and ever gives, to the Father and to us). Mary wasn't clinging to Him as her own. Hers is a virginal love, universalized to God's whole people: "My mother and my brothers are they who hear the Word of God and keep it." This is her truest beauty and motherhood.

" After writing that song, I feel the old intimacy that I felt with Mary when I built her that grotto in our yard when I was in high school. And through the years, the intimacy of belonging to the family of Mary my Mother and Jesus my Brother and dearest friend and SaviorGod. I felt that 'This is the way it should be.'

..."I often feel it's best not to use words or concepts too much. Just be with Him and Mary in mutual love and understanding that doesn't require articulation or trying to grasp a self-evaluative consciousness while in the act of prayer. It is a union with my Friend that is too hidden and personal to trivialize in words. Enough that He knows. The best mode of consciousness seems to be that of symbols, like the exchange of hearts earlier today.

"Love manifests itself in deeds recurred to me in prayer. That is, the mode of our love must imitate the mode of His (Spiritual Ex: #98, #147, #167, #109). Incarnational identification, self-sacrificing service in truth, in obedience to the Father's will and in imitation of the Lord's creating, compassionate service and love to each person."