On Watching My Dad Die

July 12, 1977
Iowa

"I'm sitting next to dad's hospital bed. Shortly after waking up from a fitful sleep and after unsuccessful attempts to move his legs himself, he turned over on his side and looked past me out the window  that framed a beautiful blue summer sky and rolling farmland. He said, 'It's a great world if you don't stiffen up'. He said that with a mixture of whimsy and joy...

"It seems dad is dealing with the immanence of his death. He occasionally comes out of the blue with some philosophical musings, so unexpected from such a laconic man. Unfortunately his mind is becoming confused and sustaining dialogue has always worn him out. He said earlier, 'It's so odd how things change so quickly.' This is probably the tip of the iceberg of his private preoccupations as he looks back over his 63 years...Then he said, 'All the things are coming together.'  When I asked for clarification, he paused and searched for words. 'I guess I mean like all the souvenirs from my life are starting to look more like one whole piece to me.'

It's difficult---even heart-rending if weren't such a laconic farm boy myself, I could better articulate my feelings---to watch my dad die and experience physical pain, weakness, frustration, emotional rollercoaster and who knows what else. I feel helpless because I am helpless. Dying is so slow. I wonder what my dying will be like. He (and I) must do it all alone.

"There's a parallel here between this experience and my time in Guatemala earlier this summer. The slowness, the dying, the loss, the helplessness before it all, the poor of Yahweh---Dad is like the people of Guatemala. I refocus and reshuffle the meanings of my life in the face of it all, particularly the naively optimistic varieties of progressivism, of evolutionary perfectability, the quick and efficient syndrome of American know how and technological culture which would deny slowness, helplessness and pain. This denial closes the doorway to the more ancient values of wisdom, goodness and unity which only the Cross can bring. By fostering the belief that we can somehow beat the 'daily deaths' that St. Paul speaks of, we never learn how to live in preparation for the day of our physical death. God help us!"