I Began To Meditate On My Own Death

September 22, 1991
Villa Cavaletti
Italy

"I began by making Romans 12:1-2 my Evening Prayer:

'I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercy of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship. Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.'

"To be transformed by the renewal of my mind, I need to see my sin by the pure grace of God. I doubt  that I've committed mortal sin in my life, one deserving of hell and being eternally cut off from a relationship with God. 

"Yet I'm aware of being a profoundly sinful man in the sense of my egotism. What came to me were Igantius' words in SpEx #189: 'self-love, self-will, self-interest', these are the manifestations of my sin.  Like all sinners, I tend to go along with God just fine until He crosses my will. Then my anger, born of pride, rises up as well as self-pity. I often react the same way to other people too--let them cross me, disrespect me or ignore me and I want to block them out of my life. I remember Jesus saying, 'Even the pagans love those who love them.'

"I find my sin in moments as when Jesus glanced at Peter right after Peter's betrayals.  Since to whom much has been given, much is expected, my hardness of heart and pride is just as bad or worse as those who 'go from one mortal sin to another' (#314) on a grosser level of evil and destruction...

"Began to pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary asking Mary to show me my sin. Since she and her Son are sinless, they know sin best because they know God and live pure love; so they easily see the absurdity, darkness, disorder and tragedy of sin.

"As I prayed the Rosary, I paused to consider the sins manifest in each decade of the Sorrowful Mysteries; from the raining down of blows, insults and spittle on the sinless flesh and heart of Jesus to the 5th Mystery, Jesus' death on the Cross. There it struck me that the heart of sin was the refusal to become seed. ('Unless a seed falls into the ground and dies, it cannot bear fruit...Unless you take up your Cross everyday, you cannot follow Me...') This summarizes our unbelief, pride and obstinate refusal to give ourselves and to lose ourselves in love and let God determine everything...

"Then I began to meditate on my own death. I am moderately afraid of death because it is a large act of faith. Very concrete faith, no room for rhetoric here, handing over my existence to an Invisible Being whom I believe to be there for me. While praying about this, the Lord said to me, 

" 'This will be easier if you practice now by handing more and more of your life over to Me. You tend to stay in a safe zone too much, trying to have it both ways, satisfying both the natural and the supernatural, keeping control and not abandoning yourself in total dependence on Me alone. After practicing more and becoming reassured of my Saving Presence, death will be easier to do.' "

Pros and Cons of the Society of Jesus

Fr. Tomasek and the Jesuit Superior General

October 1991

Values the Society of Jesus has going for it:

1. A deep spirituality, tried and proven, praised by the Church and capable of producing saints and zealous apostles for Christ and His Church.
2. The Spiritual Exercises: While they now belong to the Church, Jesuits are usually the most experienced in them because we make them and direct them so often.
3. Our Saints:  Doctors, confessors, martyrs, teachers whose lives still inspire us to trace some of the manifold Ignatian paths to sanctity.
4. Intercessors in heaven praying constantly for God's grace to attend us; members of the Society too numerous to count interceding for those on earth for the last 450 years.
5. Long and rigorous formation, training and education often forms men of outstanding achievement and service to God, the Church and the culture.
6. Living with men who, in addition to their faults, are by and large seeking holiness and, therefore, live in a spirit of generosity, fun and companionship.
7. Existing institutions which are often powerful apostolic instruments: Universities, high schools, institutes, retreat houses, publications, parishes and missions, the outreaches of which are depended on by the Church.
8. The wide variety of possible apostolates open to individual Jesuits which include education on all levels with all types of populations, spiritual direction, parochial work, missions etc.

Problems the Society of Jesus has going against it:

1. Defacto full, prompt obedience ot the directives of the Holy Father and the teaching authority of the Church. Often excused as a type of 'loyal opposition' etc but very evident in instances such as the publication/implementation of Humanae Vitae.
2. Failure to defend Catholic teaching and morals in the face of the secular/intellectual establishment's bias. E.g., Georgetown U's lame justification for an 'abortion club.'
3. A system of formation and formators who often place subtle pressure and criticism on young Jesuits who manifest robust support for the Holy Father and/or traditional teaching. These men often come to feel diagnosed as 'rigid' or 'inflexible' etc.
4. Even ordained Jesuits are often subjected to tactics described in #3 by a power structure of provencials/superiors who often tend to operate under a 'gentlemen's agreement' not to rock the boat.

I Am No Longer an Isolated 'I'

Fr. Tomasek at Lake Michigan. 5 weeks before his death.

 

February 2011
Milwaukee, WI

"What kind of friendship or marriage would we have if we did not enjoy talking with our beloved, sharing what we are experiencing and asking our partner to share what he or she is experiencing? Lovers make phone calls and text each other. They hold each other in their heart, enjoy shared memories and mutual hopes and dreams. They look forward to talking when they get home from work. They do not define themselves as individualists anymore but as a couple, as two persons in a relationship.

"The Lord asks no less of us. He wants to be in an ongoing dialogue with us throughout our days and nights. We tend to compartmentalize our lives and say, 'I pray in the morning and in the evening and the rest of the time I attend to God's will and the people He puts in my life.' But isn't that too artificial? If I love Him, want to thank Him, feel moved to ask His grace and seek His guidance, just want to share and enjoy time with Him, and oftentimes find myself empty and lonely for Him, why should I not keep up a dialogue with Him during the in-between times of my day?

"Then there is the fact that Jesus wants and needs to talk with me. By creating me in His image and likeness, by calling me to faith and companionship with Himself, humbly making Himself my equal in many wants, offering His sufferings for me, sharing His divine glory with me, He is asking me to listen to Him and to follow His lead even when I don't feel like it. Remember that we often don't feel like relating to the Lord. He often seems a bore or a bother and I don't expect anything new or important as a result of this dialogue with Him.

"I don't feel like talking to God because my heart is still selfish and closed in on itself in many ways. Likewise I don't always feel like talking to my spouse or close friend. But, in the end, I must 'act against' this inclination and make the sacrifice of spending time and opening my heart to my beloved. Only gradually is my heart transformed into one of love instead of self-love, self-interest and self-will (Cf: Spiritual Exercises #189).

"Scripture is of course the primary model for the dialogue between God and human beings. When God becomes flesh and has intimate human relationships with men and women, we see examples of how Jesus wants to be part of our everyday lives. But there is also a rich body of Christian literature in which the saints and those who have gone before us engage in a deep and growing mutuality with the Holy Trinity. One thinks of such writings as Augustine's Confessions, Kempis' Imitation of Christ, Catherine of Siena's Dialogue and the Diary of St Faustina. Reading them, one learns the art of carrying on a life-giving dialogue with Jesus in all of our daily activities.

"One spiritual diary I wish to especially recommend is "He and I" by Gabrielle Bossis, written from 1936 to 1950, the year that she died. In it, Gabrielle records what she believes to be Jesus' words to her as the last part of her busy life on earth unfolds. And as she invites us to 'listen in' to Jesus' dialogue with her, we begin to realize that He is speaking to my heart as well. We begin to hear and see things from His divine perspective, to realize His amazing love for me and His desires and direction for my happiness and growth. New areas of my life come alive. I fall in love and burn with a desire to live in God's will. I am no longer an isolated 'I' but have imperceptibly become a 'we' with Him who is my Lord, my Beloved, my Life."

I Could Try Simply Smiling

September 6, 1981
"Once I can give my primary burden to God, then I can step back and say, 'Lord, how can I help?' Not, 'You gotta help me!!' but 'How can I help you?'
The Lord means to carry the primary burden of saving all those who we are concerned about...Additionally, I cannot give to another person the love which only God can give...It often works out that, by assuming burdens that I'm not meant to assume, I end up putting burdens on the backs of those I'm praying for if they don't respond according to my time frame. Then neither of us is free!

"...Looking at all that has happened to me during these last months, it seems clear that Jesus has been orchestrating it all. My sickness, the brother priests who have tried to help me, my prayer etc have all brought to the fore that, while I was looking for something more grandiose, dramatic and overwhelming, God has been quietly asking me to let Him carry the Cross...of the conversions I desire, of the Society, of my health, my future and on and on.

"How can I live this out?...For example, when I'm engaged in meetings or even dialogues or homilies, especially when I'm feeling opposition (or just imagining it), instead of being serious and wrinkled-browed and pounding things negatively, I could try simply smiling and saying 'Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do X?'
In view of the fact that Jesus is really here and in charge and carrying the biggest part of my Cross, it is logical to see the lighter side of the situation. That attitude helps put others at ease too.

"In the 2 Standards Exercise, Jesus stands 'in a lowly place, His appearance beautiful and attractive.' He calls His friends and servants to 'attract all to poverty' etc. While Satan uses fear, force, threats and chains. So, in imitation of the Standard I am pledged to follow, I will walk as the Lord walks."

Don't You Find the Church's Authority Oppressive?

October 28, 1981

"Went out with M.C. for dinner and a movie. During dinner, he asked me if I didn't find authority in the Church oppressive. I explained that the Church is Christ's Spouse and mine, His Mother and mine. Bishops are usually paternal and compassionate and reasonable. Explained that Jesuit (and ecclesial) obedience is, in fact, obedience to Jesus in His representatives. Human success or efficacy is not a reason or criterion for this obedience. Philippians 2 speaks eloquently of emptying/obedience/Cross and Resurrection and its meaning. There is also great security and joy in knowing one is doing God's will by following Church authority.

"M. was grateful and said, 'Well, if you look at it that way, it's not so bad. I've never heard that explanation.' After I got home, I prayed, 'Dear Lord, how many generous young men and women like him have not been taught basic truths of their Faith and Tradition? No wonder we have so few vocations, so many leaving the Church! We've deprived many of their right to hear the Truth. Your sheep and lambs have not been fed. That is why they're fainting by the wayside.'....Ours is the sad world of Ignatius points to in his Incarnation Meditation. And I am part of it, a sinner like the rest. I asked Christ again to come into it...

"Acts 8:20: 'May your silver be lost forever and you with it for thinking that money could buy what God has given for nothing!'
Greatly helped by this verse in prayer as I felt again the futility of any acts of intellect, will or imagination to prevent distractions in prayer. God told me, 'You don't have to do anything to receive this Gift of God, the Holy Spirit. In fact, it would be wrong, perhaps even sinful, to think you can do anything to merit or cause such a gift to be given (type of simony?)

"Rather, rejoice that you are helpless and that you need only receive, only accept it as fact that God now beholds you. You cannot keep your gaze on Him but His gaze on you is steady. Even now, He is about pouring His Spirit into you, whether or not you are aware.."

AMDG?

August 29, 1981
    "Discovered that perhaps one hidden way I use to escape present circumstances offered me by the Lord--like language studies,the last four years teaching high school, my last few months of illness, always moving etc.---is to imagine that all this is a preparation for some greater future work when I will presumably be able to use all this garnered experience and wisdom to be a great help as a preacher or teacher with a large impact.

"It's as if the Lord turned a light on a little secret fantasy I keep in a dark corner. While its true that nothing is lost in the Lord and all seems to secretly build toward some future utilization for His service, I've realized that I've turned this into a fantasy that I'm getting attached to as the 'true reality' that I'm only preparing for through this trackless wandering...

"But this contrary to God's words that declares that eternal life starts now, even and especially in the hidden forms such as Nazareth or the seeming failure of Calvary. No wonder I'm rushing forward, despising the present and stepping on it in order to get to the glorious future...

"In Mt 24:42-51, Jesus wants to find us busy working at whatever task He's entrusted to us. It's not the big and flashy works and success that we might choose. It's the day-in day-out fidelity that He's looking for...

"Have I moved so often and so far because of this kind of ambition for something bigger or greater? Am I lead by the Holy Spirit or my own ambitions? Am I dedicated to God's greater glory but running a deal on the side for myself ?"

Give Me the Grace I Ask For

August 12, 1980 

Sogang Universtiy,

South Korea

"Meditated on Peter's denial and the Passion of Jesus (Spiritual Ex #292).

Tried to be present simply through my imagination, intellect and will. My prayer is poor and that's a helpful purification in meditating on the Passion. I'd like to have strong reactions like Ignatius did but I react more like one who doesn't really love Jesus. Like Peter, when the moment of truth arrives, I choose myself over Jesus. Yet I am consoled that Jesus is doing this precisely for me, a weak sinner, so that one day I might be able to love and suffer with Him.

"I see His face, smitten and running with dirty spittle. After Communion, I realized that I am feeding off the New Human Being that Jesus forged through His suffering, through obedience, through love. Feeding off His flesh and blood and will, always ordered to the Father's will, now as man was originally created in his full potential, mind, courage, patience and faith. 

"Perhaps Jesus is letting me experience what the apostles did during His Passion. They certainly couldn't take any satisfaction or pride in sharing His passion, as I can't. What He is doing for us is pure gift--taking our sins on Himself without our help or appreciation because He loves us and has promised the Father that He will save us by expiating our sins...

"Underneath all is hope that I can truly become a lover of the Passion, both in deed and in intuition; that I can love to suffer for Christ as did Ignatius; that I can eagerly embrace the humiliations and difficulties of learning and speaking Korean, the crowded buses, bodily sickness and insults.

"Dear Jesus, Thank you. I bless and praise you in weariness and darkness for you are carrying me, so heavy.

Give me the grace I ask for: The grace to love your Passion. I know the conquest of the world for You must begin with the conquest of myself."