I Am My Own Enemy

March 4, 1979

   "Very difficult, fighting sleep, interminable dry suffering. I realized that Jesus was asking me to share the pain of carrying what is, after all, my sin & the world's but I was still impatient & angry at Him. Each prayer has been a contradiction of my hopes today. I keep saying, "yes"...but I'm still angry with Him for making me suffer & tossing me around like a plaything. Also had a frightening sense of how it would be possible for me to, at some point, stop following Jesus. Just rebel & say "Enough! I'm going to live for myself from now on."

    Finally began walking & saying Rosary & asking Mary to help me get back together with the Lord.  I began to experience some clarity when I realized that that He is not my enemy, arbitrarily testing me or making life hard for me. Rather, He's the only friend I've got. Even I am my own enemy. That is, I'm destroying myself thinking I'm loving myself simply because I'm doing my own will, which is disordered. Then He intervenes like a wise parent or physician or therapist. It hurts but He alone knows how to straighten me out. 

   Gradually, gratitude and a return of familiarity ensued. Realized again my deep burning apostolic desires...me, a sinner & so utterly lost & empty one minute (i.e., by my own unaided power) & simultaneously so full of fire for God & grand desires for all mankind. The experience reminded  me of 'Lord, we have fished all night & have caught nothing!' "