"The root of my perfectionism is fear. Let me analyze my perfectionism as it manifests itself in various areas of my life.
** Time: The continual rebellion against the limitation of so few hours in a day; my anxiety about 'wasting' so much time on non-important things like recreation, cleaning etc. Waiting instead for that 'Big Thing' that I'll do for God and mankind in the future, I miss the big things right here and now where God has me....
**Prayer: I'm always in a hurry...I race down halls, race through my Breviary, so that I can get busy and do something... I so often dread prayer time because God has made 'success' in prayer impossible, even undesirable. So much of me tends towards doing that being, just being, is almost intolerable. That's why de Caussade's 'Abandonment to Divine Providence' is so important to me...It helps me realize the Big Thing to God is being with me here and now.
**Studies/Apostolate: I read too much, anxiously covering territory without taking time to reflect and integrate sufficiently. In my hurry and perfectionism, I resent the slow, painful human advance and long for 'breakthrough insights'...Too much emphasis in demonstrating learning to others and not enough on simply acquiring knowledge myself. This is the source of my anxiety before lecturing or leading a retreat etc...much of it stemming from my need for success instead of quiet gratitude for and confidence in my role as God's instrument for his people "
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